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growing number of people tend to think that it is advantageous for elders to learn something new.

growing number of people tend to think that it is advantageous for elders to learn something new. 1kp3G
A growing number of people tend to think that it is advantageous for elders to learn something new. However, others deem it futile to try to study something after age of 65. I agree with the first statement, because of following reasons. First and foremost, brain is capable of training and it has to be used regularly in order to grow and improve. Science has already confirmed this fact more than once. With accordance to several studies, people who open their minds even after hitting 65 are less likely to get brain disease compared to their peers who do not work on themselves nor perform something unfamiliar, and in addition, they will be more productive and will have better self-esteem. Secondly, another reason supporting this opinion is that they are unable to absorb new information or master new skill when they stop leaning. Particularly, their will and openness to experience is not depended on their desires, if they have one. That means, employees are constantly keeping up and watching the latest innovations and knowledge related to their careers to be competitive and needful, but as they retire and stop this process, there is no external pressure on them to raise their awareness, and as a result, they will stop learning and analyzing new data, because they simply do not have to. To sum up, everyone should do his best to continue to grow and develop regardless of their age and other factors.
A growing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is advantageous for elders to learn something
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
.
However
, others deem it futile to try to study something after age of 65. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
first
statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of following reasons.

First
and foremost, brain is capable of training and it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
regularly
in order to grow and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
. Science has already confirmed this fact more than once. With accordance to several studies,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who open their minds even after hitting 65 are less likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
brain disease compared to their peers who do not work on themselves nor perform something unfamiliar, and
in addition
, they will be more productive and will have better self-esteem.

Secondly
, another reason supporting this opinion is that they are unable to absorb
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
information or master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
leaning.
Particularly
, their will and openness to experience is not depended on their desires, if they have one. That means, employees are
constantly
keeping up and watching the latest innovations and knowledge related to their careers to be competitive and needful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as they retire and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
this process, there is no external pressure on them to raise their awareness, and
as a result
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
learning and analyzing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
data,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
simply
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
.

To sum up, everyone should do his best to continue to grow and develop regardless of their age and other factors.
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IELTS essay growing number of people tend to think that it is advantageous for elders to learn something new.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
242 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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