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Greater numbers of young people are going to university to acquire academic degrees rather than doing vocational courses such as electrical engineering and construction. Do you think the advantages of more young people studying for academic degrees outweigh the disadvantages?

Greater numbers of young people are going to university to acquire academic degrees rather than doing vocational courses such as electrical engineering and construction. Do you think the advantages of more young people studying for academic degrees outweigh the disadvantages? K0lKk
Generally, most of the students that finish college are going to university to acquire academics to continue their study but some of them choose to start a business or work with their skill or profession. While there are advantages and disadvantages to this matter, I personally think that there are more benefits than drawbacks. After graduating from college most young people go to university to acquire academic degrees. To begin with, a lot of young people go to university to master their profession for their dream job or career instead of doing vocational courses. With a degree in the profession they can easily find a job that is stable with a high paying salary. Moreover, if you apply for an academic degree abroad to many famous countries it gives you an opportunity to work your dream job. However, applying for an academicy degree may be good for your future life but there are also many disadvantages. Going for an academic degree usually takes a lot of time and also requires a lot of money too. Also, it may take the risk that you might be unemployed because an academic degree may be hard to find a job if many companies, businesses or the economy in your country don’t require your profession. Also vocational courses can be easy for most young people because they start to go to work earlier, they have more experience and start to earn more for their living than those who study academic degrees. In conclusion, although there are some disadvantages to acquiring an academic degree, it is a tool to your future. However, it may need a lot of money and require a lot of time, but there are many more advantages and solutions to your future.
Generally
, most of the students that finish college are going to university to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
to continue their study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a business or work with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
. While there are advantages and disadvantages to this matter, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are more benefits than drawbacks.

“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
graduating from college most young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to university to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to university to master their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
for their dream job or career
instead
of doing vocational courses. With a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
they can
easily
find a job
that is
stable with a high paying salary.
Moreover
, if you apply for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
abroad to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
countries it gives you an opportunity to work your dream job.

However
, applying for an
Possible spelling mistake found.
academicy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for your future life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages. Going for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
usually
takes a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of time and
also
requires a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of money too.
Also
, it may take the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
that you might
be unemployed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a job if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, businesses or the economy in your country don’t require your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
vocational courses can be easy for most young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to go to work earlier, they have more experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to earn more for their living than those who study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
degrees.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to acquiring an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
, it is a tool to your future.
However
, it may need a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of money and require a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more advantages and solutions to your future.
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IELTS essay Greater numbers of young people are going to university to acquire academic degrees rather than doing vocational courses such as electrical engineering and construction. Do you think the advantages of more young people studying for academic degrees outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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