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Describe what facilities are available and how they could be improved ?

Describe what facilities are available and how they could be improved? bQxX6
Leisure facilities for young people would create numerous players who represent their country in various countries. I think, every councils need to upgrade their local leisure activities. Our council provide a number of facilities which are extremely important for young people. For example; Tennis, Football, Golf, Cricket and many more. Unfortunately, Football's Coach is retired last few months ago consequently, teams practise is stopped. As you know Football compitation will be held next month. Therefore, teams need their new coach. Other problem is equipments of games are really old and have to be replaced them with new equipments. I have some suggestions for new facilities for instances, need huge ground for practice because in the park they can't feel comfortable to do practice. Other thing is local gym is extremely important for to worm up and muscle strength. Yoga is most popular exercise in these days, would be great if include this as well. I strongly believe that these new activities will help for young people to participate in games. We should also invite them to put their suggestions. Mostly now days teenagers spend most of time on social media due of this they face health diseases. To conclude, parents should have encourge their children to participate in games. Games can be improve their health and future as well. Hope you will appriciate my ideas.
Leisure facilities for young
people
would create numerous players who represent their country in various countries. I
think
, every
councils
need to upgrade their local leisure activities. Our council provide a number of facilities which are
extremely
important
for young
people
.
For example
; Tennis, Football, Golf, Cricket and
many
more. Unfortunately, Football's Coach
is retired
last few months ago
consequently
, teams
practise
is
stopped
.
As
you know Football
compitation
will
be held
next
month.
Therefore
, teams need their
new
coach. Other problem is equipments of
games
are
really
old
and
have to
be replaced
them with
new
equipments. I have
some
suggestions for
new
facilities for instances, need huge ground for practice
because
in the park they can't feel comfortable to do practice. Other thing is local gym is
extremely
important
for to worm up and muscle strength. Yoga is
most
popular exercise in these days, would be great if include this
as well
. I
strongly
believe that these
new
activities will
help
for young
people
to participate in
games
. We should
also
invite them to put their suggestions.
Mostly
now
days
teenagers
spend
most of time
on social media due of this they face health diseases.
To conclude
, parents should have
encourge
their children to participate in
games
.
Games
can be
improve
their health and future
as well
. Hope you will
appriciate
my
ideas
.
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IELTS essay Describe what facilities are available and how they could be improved?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
225 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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