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Govt should spend money to encourage the development of sports and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Govt should spend money to encourage the development of sports and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. v. 1
It is proposed that instead of espousing professional sports and art events for the masses, the ministry should utilize the financial resources to boost the progress of physical education and creative aspects for school pupils. I discard this notion because anything to the detriment of the other would be futile. To embark on, although school is the bedrock of students and should have proper amenities for sports as well as arts, professional sports and arts are equally imperative. If the administration take the call to bolster the activities at elementary level and does not render aid in the related future endeavours, then it would be challenging to reach heights in the career. Therefore, it would be in vain to emphasize only on school activities in place of much needed assistance on the bigger platform. Likewise, in case children are taught about arts, but there are negligible creative affairs being organized, then the learnt creation would not bear fruits. To elucidate further, facilitating public with art extravaganzas and vouching for professional sports give a sense of relaxation and responsibility. For instance, when a singing concert takes place, people enjoy thoroughly and rejuvenate THEMSELVES, WHICH HOLD THE UTMOST VALUE IN THE STRESSFUL LIFE. Moreover, providing assistance to professional sports would inculcate a feeling of liability towards one’s nation, and players would perform wholeheartedly to bring laurels to the country. Thus, sports would be successful in bringing recognition as well as reverence. Indian Cricket Team, for instance, is supported by the government and has proved their mettle myriad times and would continue to do so if provided with regular inflow of adequate funds. To recapitulate, while sports and arts must be nurtured in schools, professional games and creative events for the multitude should not be neglected for everyone’s benefit.
It
is proposed
that
instead
of espousing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for the masses, the ministry should utilize the financial resources to boost the progress of physical education and creative aspects for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
pupils. I discard this notion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
anything to the detriment of the other would be futile.

To embark on, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the bedrock of students and should have proper amenities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
are
equally
imperative. If the administration take the call to bolster the activities at elementary level and does not render aid in the related future
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
, then it would be challenging
Did you mean "reaching"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'challenge' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to reach
heights in the career.
Therefore
, it would be in vain to emphasize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
activities in place of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
much needed
assistance on the bigger platform.
Likewise
, in case children
are taught
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are negligible creative affairs
being organized
, then the
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
creation would not bear fruits.

To elucidate
further
, facilitating public with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
extravaganzas and vouching for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
give a sense of relaxation and responsibility.
For instance
, when a singing concert takes place,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoy
thoroughly
and rejuvenate THEMSELVES, WHICH HOLD THE UTMOST VALUE IN THE STRESSFUL LIFE.
Moreover
, providing assistance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
would inculcate a feeling of liability towards one’s nation, and players would perform
wholeheartedly
to bring laurels to the country.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
would be successful in bringing recognition
as well
as reverence. Indian Cricket Team,
for instance
,
is supported
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and has proved their mettle myriad times and would continue to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if provided with regular inflow of adequate funds.

To recapitulate, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be nurtured
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
games and creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for the multitude should not
be neglected
for everyone’s benefit.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Govt should spend money to encourage the development of sports and art for school students, rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the general public. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
296 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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