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GOVERNMENTS SHOULD SPEND LESS MONEY ON ARTS (PAITING, SCULPTURE, DANCING) AND MORE ON OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

GOVERNMENTS SHOULD SPEND LESS MONEY ON ARTS (PAITING, SCULPTURE, DANCING) AND MORE ON OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS. BgKq6
In this day and age, the issue of how to employ the national budget has attracted much concern of the public. Some people may say that the governmental fund should be spent on more vital aspects such as education and health to boost national development instead of investment in arts. I partly advocate this. In terms of education, investment funds in this field breeds a long – last developing society at a macro level. There is no doubt that by dint of free education or low fees, children could get educational equality, especially poor students and those in extremely poor religions. Undeniably, notwithstanding having knowledge of the study importance, an abundance of children at the age of going to school cannot attend classes by virtue of poverty. A recent survey has shown that the rate of school attendance in general and at the right age have increased by 25% in the recent 10 years. When it comes to medical care, investment in healthcare by governments could nourish a healthier community, which could help lower the burden of the authorities. There is no doubt that exceptional healthcare is a key of a stabilizing society. Apparently, thanks to modern equipments, not only can the patients be treated in the best condition, but these patients might also recover in the shortest time, even having the fatal diseases before. Take measles as an example, three decades ago, a large number of children were killed by this disease, which is cured or prevented easily in this day and age. Recently, opponents have argued that a variety of people will be in exceptional feelings if they do arts, their favorite fields such as painting, dancing, singing, without worrying about cost, especially after a hard-working day. Undoubtedly, notwithstanding being under high study or work pressure, these people could pursue their ambition in arts with almost no cost could help people release stress. As a result, the happier people are, the more effective the work is. This may be true. However, as far as I am concerned, the benefit of investment in arts is far outweighed by funding social services dissected above. In conclusion, for the above reasons, I firmly cling to that the benefits of investment in more crucial items such as education and healthcare are over than funding in arts. Governments should take this into account in order to effectively spend the national budget for the national growth.
In this day and age, the issue of how to employ the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
budget has attracted much concern of the public.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may say that the governmental fund should
be spent
on more vital aspects such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and health to boost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
development
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. I partly advocate this.

In terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
funds in this field breeds a long
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
last developing society at a macro level. There is no doubt that by dint of free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
or low fees, children could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
educational equality,
especially
poor students and those in
extremely
poor religions.
Undeniably
, notwithstanding having knowledge of the study importance, an abundance of children at the age of going to school cannot attend classes by virtue of poverty. A recent survey has shown that the rate of school attendance
in general
and at the right age have increased by 25% in the recent 10 years.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to medical care,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in healthcare by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
could nourish a healthier community, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
lower the burden of the authorities. There is no doubt that exceptional healthcare is a key of a stabilizing society.
Apparently
, thanks to modern equipments, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can the patients
be treated
in the best condition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these patients might
also
recover in the shortest time, even having the fatal diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Take measles as an example, three decades ago,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
children
were killed
by this disease, which
is cured
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
easily
in this day and age.

Recently, opponents have argued that a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be in exceptional feelings if they do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, their favorite fields such as painting, dancing, singing, without worrying about cost,
especially
after a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working day.
Undoubtedly
, notwithstanding being under high study or work pressure, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could pursue their ambition in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
with almost no cost could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
As a result
, the happier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are, the more effective the work is. This may be true.
However
, as far as I
am concerned
, the benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
is far outweighed by funding social services dissected above.

In conclusion
, for the above reasons, I
firmly
cling to that the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
investment
in more crucial items such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and healthcare are over than funding in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
should take this into account in order to
effectively
spend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
budget for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
national
growth.
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IELTS essay GOVERNMENTS SHOULD SPEND LESS MONEY ON ARTS (PAITING, SCULPTURE, DANCING) AND MORE ON OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
402 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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