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Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. q1BAG
Some people think that retired people should be provided care and grant, whilst other people argue that they should save money in order to have enough to live when they get older. I will discuss both views and give my own opinion in my essay below. On the one hand, retired people should save money when they get older because of some reasons. The first reason is that if there are a lot of people do not have their own funds to live when they retire, it can become the financial burden of the government. For example, there are a lot of old people in Japan, so the government can not give all of them grants sufficiently. If the authorities still provide care and finance for them, they may not have enough money to spend on other vital problems such as poverty, diseases, and disasters. In addition, saving money helps people to have a good character. Today, there are a number of the young wasting a lot of money on new clothes, technology devices, so when the government gives them grant when they get older, they will waste a lot of money. On the other hand, the government should provide care and finance for retired people because it can decrease the problem arose. For example, some retired people have a serious disease, they do not have enough funds to treat this disease and cover living expenses sufficiently. If the authorities do not provide care and finance for those, they can become homelessness, hungers, and then the government have to pay more money for it. The result is that the amount of money they have to spend will increase considerably. In conclusion, I believe that the authorities should give retired people money and care but they should not spend a lot of money on it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
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people
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think
that
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retired
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people
should
be provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and grant, whilst other
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people
argue that they should save
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money
in order to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
when they
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get
older. I will discuss both views and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion in my essay below.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons. The
first
reason is that if there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
funds to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
when they retire, it can become the financial burden of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
For example
, there are a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Japan,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
all of them grants
sufficiently
. If the authorities
still
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and finance for them, they may not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to spend on other vital problems such as poverty, diseases, and disasters.
In addition
, saving
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money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
character.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, there are a number of the young wasting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on new clothes, technology devices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gives
them grant when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, they will waste a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of money.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and finance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can decrease the problem arose.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a serious disease, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
funds to treat this disease and cover living expenses
sufficiently
. If the authorities do not provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and finance for those, they can become homelessness, hungers, and then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for it. The result is that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend will increase
considerably
.

In conclusion
, I believe that the authorities should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they should not spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on it.
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IELTS essay Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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