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Governments should not provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. v.2

Governments should not provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. v. 2
People have different views on whether a government should support the elderly and retired people financially or not. I believe that it is mostly an individual’s responsibility to save money for their retirement but I totally disagree that elderly people shouldn't receive any support from the state. The combination of personal support and the government’s support could be the best possible solution for the retired elderly people. I think the government should support the elderly people financially as this is the part of a social democracy which states the equality of opportunities and distribution of resources fairly. For example, many developed countries like Germany, the United Kingdom, and the United State are following this strategy by allowing some money to be cashed for elderly people upon their retirement. Moreover, it is their right to have some financial support as they had paid their taxes throughout their lives. So they have to take some of their money back when they need it. The government should allocate money to take care of its citizens no matter what are their ages. On the other side, those elderly people do not have any alternative way of earning, as their chances for employment is quite low in contrast to the young people, they should be taken care by the savings they have, by their own children and by the government. The people should always have savings and relatives who would be taking care of them when they become old. The parents take care of their kids and sacrifice a lot. The children should always be ready to take care of their elder parents. A prudent person would have some savings for his old years and thus it is also an individual’s responsibility to save for their future need. Furthermore, the government can’t deny its role to take care of the elder people. The combination of these three can be very effective to take care of people when they become old. In conclusion, governments should take the responsibility of providing senior citizens with all their financial needs as part of  ensuring their well-being and at the same time it is an individual's responsibility to save money for their hardest time  and their sons and daughters have some responsibilities as well.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
views on whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
and retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
financially
or not. I believe that it is
mostly
an individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their retirement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
totally
disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
shouldn't receive any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from the state. The combination of personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
could be the best possible solution for the retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
financially
as this is the part of a social democracy which states the equality of opportunities and distribution of resources
fairly
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
like Germany, the United Kingdom, and the United State are following this strategy by allowing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
be cashed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
upon their retirement.
Moreover
, it is their right to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
as they had paid their taxes throughout their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
back when they need it. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should allocate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of its citizens no matter what are their ages.

On the other side, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have any alternative way of earning, as their chances for employment is quite low
in contrast
to the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they should
be taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
by the savings they have, by their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
children and by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should always have savings and relatives who would be taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them when they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. The parents take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their kids and sacrifice a lot.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
children should always be ready to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their elder parents. A prudent person would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
savings for his
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
years and
thus
it is
also
an individual’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to save for their future need.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
can’t deny its role to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The combination of these three can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
effective to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
when they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
of providing senior citizens with all their financial needs as part of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
ensuring their well-being and at the same time it is an individual's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their hardest time
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
and their sons and daughters have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibilities
as well
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Governments should not provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
374 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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