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government's budget should be spent on more important matters

government's budget should be spent on more important matters lR2mJ
Firstly, instead of investing in controlling children’s obesity rate, it is worth spending the budget on other major issues, especially the education system. In fact, having an educated society is proven to be the key to the nation's stable development. For instance, thanks to national policy prioritizing education, Japan improved comprehensively on both social and economic aspects. Having a well-educated workforce, Japan quickly became one of the leading countries in terms of industry, which led to a boost for the Japanese economy. And in terms of living standards, with high citizens’ welfare, Japan is allegedly one of the most worth-living countries. As a result, compared to education, governmental investment to alleviate children obesity seems redundant and inefficient in the long run.
Firstly
,
instead
of investing in controlling children’s obesity rate, it is worth spending the budget on other major issues,
especially
the education system. In fact, having an educated society
is proven
to be the key to the nation's stable development.
For instance
, thanks to national policy prioritizing education, Japan
improved
comprehensively
on both social and economic aspects. Having a well-educated workforce, Japan
quickly
became one of the leading countries in terms of industry, which led to a boost for the Japanese economy. And in terms of living standards, with high citizens’ welfare, Japan is allegedly one of the most worth-living countries.
As a result
, compared to education, governmental investment to alleviate children obesity seems redundant and inefficient in the long run.
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IELTS essay government's budget should be spent on more important matters

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
121 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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