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government shouldn't be responsible for children obesity

government shouldn't be responsible for children obesity qRYgP
Firstly, instead of investing in controlling children’s obesity rate, it is worth spending the budget on other major issues, especially the education system. In fact, an educated society is proven to be the key to the nation's stable development. For instance, thanks to national policy prioritizing education, Japan improved comprehensively in both social and economic aspects. Having a well-educated workforce, Japan quickly became one of the leading countries in terms of industry, which led to a dramatic economic growth. Furthermore, with high citizens’ welfare and a cultivated society, Japan is allegedly one of the most worth-living countries. As a result, compared to education, governmental investment to alleviate children obesity seems redundant and inefficient in the long run. (117) Secondly, governmental interference in children's obesity hardly has any success since most parents prioritize children’s academic performance over their weights. In order to remain well-fit, children have to participate in physical exercises, which is supposed to take up the necessary study time by most parents. Take me as an example, when I was younger, instead of going to play sports with my friends after school, I was forced to stay at home to do homework or to go to additional classes by my parents. Due to little daily physical activities, most students like me have above average BMI. Therefore, even if the government attempts to diminish the obesity rate in children, the parents’ non-cooperation will disrupt its projects
Firstly
,
instead
of investing in controlling
children’s
obesity rate, it is worth spending the budget on other major issues,
especially
the education system. In fact, an educated society
is proven
to be the key to the nation's stable development.
For instance
, thanks to national policy prioritizing education, Japan
improved
comprehensively
in both social and economic aspects. Having a well-educated workforce, Japan
quickly
became one of the leading countries in terms of industry, which led to a dramatic economic growth.
Furthermore
, with high citizens’ welfare and a cultivated society, Japan is allegedly one of the most worth-living countries.
As a result
, compared to education, governmental investment to alleviate
children
obesity seems redundant and inefficient in the long run. (117)

Secondly
, governmental interference in children's obesity hardly has any success since most
parents
prioritize
children’s
academic performance over their weights. In order to remain well-fit,
children
have to
participate in physical exercises, which
is supposed
to take up the necessary study time by most
parents
. Take me as an example, when I was younger,
instead
of going to play sports with my friends after school, I
was forced
to stay at home to do homework or to go to additional classes by my
parents
. Due to
little
daily physical activities, most students like me have above average BMI.
Therefore
, even if the
government
attempts to diminish the obesity rate in
children
, the
parents’
non-cooperation will disrupt its projects
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IELTS essay government shouldn't be responsible for children obesity

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
235 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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