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giving financial support to creative artists

giving financial support to creative artists VEqL6
There two main school of taught regarding the support of artists specially musicians and painters when it comes to financial support. one group are more interested in the governmental supports while others think that other sources of money should be used to support the artists. I believe that governmental support is not a good approach. Whenever there is governmental funding available for any sector at society there is a high chance of financial corruption and misuse at resources by individuals. This is true when it comes to art and the result is that the real art and creativity will be sacrificed to the benefit of come small group of individual who most likely have some sort of connection or old boy groups to help the being chosen as an artist who is eligible for financial support by government. So I think that alternative approach should be taken to promote art. A creative artist is the one who can produce genuine work in terms of beauty and value which can attract people. Therefore it is not a big deal for an artist to earn money and if there is a need for support of these people it shouldn't be in the form of direct payment rather, helping them presenting their art-work using TV program or providing them with enough space to have an exhibition. Furthermore, other private organizations that can benefit from artistry of these artist such as their new design or their publication to increase their companies products quality and variety. This kind of alternatives I think can be more helpful and fair for artist. All in all Financial support by governments is not a good idea to promote the art in society other sources of support such as companies sponsorship is far realistic.
There two main school of taught regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
specially
musicians and painters when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
one
group are more interested in the governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
supports
while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sources of money should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
. I believe that governmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach.

Whenever there is governmental funding available for any sector at society there is a high chance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
corruption and misuse at resources by individuals. This is true when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to art and the result is that the real art and creativity will
be sacrificed
to the benefit of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
group of individual who most likely have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of connection or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy groups to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
being chosen
as an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
who is eligible for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that alternative approach should
be taken
to promote art.

A creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
is the one who can produce genuine work in terms of beauty and value which can attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
deal for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
to earn money and if there is a need for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
it shouldn't be in the form of direct payment
rather
, helping them
The verb 'payment' is used with an infinitive: "to present" or "present".
presenting
their art-work using TV program or providing them with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
space to have an exhibition.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
private organizations that can benefit from artistry of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
such as their new design or their publication to increase their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
products quality and variety. This kind of alternatives I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
can be more helpful and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for artist.

All in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to promote the art in society
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sources of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
sponsorship is far realistic.
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IELTS essay giving financial support to creative artists

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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