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for all children, the ability to play instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write. how far do you agree with this situation?

for all children, the ability to play instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write. how far do you agree with this situation? g8Mk1
Some specialists believe that this skill  as essential as read and write for children because the ability to play instrument affected child's mind and soul. recent research has confirmed this subject but some people do not accept it and some people agree with it. As far as I'm concered, teaching music in schools is not important in the first place, and I will mention my reasons. It seems simple to say that music is as important as knowledge for children because music does not guarantee the future of children also it does not have the ability to have a profound effect on how children think. Knowledge is used not only for educating children but also for human progress and excellence. There is a different and influential point between knowledge and music that should be paid special attention to. Education is a basic need in today's society that is accepted by most people but music is not of this importance to people and is considered an entertainment for them. Music can be taught to interested children in schools as an optional subject those who are talented in this field. Finally, We should not ignore the benefits of music, but education is a top priority for parents because it guarantees their children's future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
specialists believe that this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
as essential as read and write for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the ability to play instrument
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
child's mind and soul.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
recent
research has confirmed this subject
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not accept it and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with it. As far as I'm
Possible spelling mistake found.
concered
, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
in schools is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in the
first
place, and I will mention my reasons.

It seems simple to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as knowledge for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
does not guarantee the future of children

also
it does not have the ability to have a profound effect on how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
.

Knowledge is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for human progress and excellence. There is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and influential point between knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
that should
be paid
special attention to. Education is a basic need in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not of this importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
is considered
an entertainment for them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
can
be taught
to interested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in schools as an optional subject those who
are talented
in this field.

Finally
, We should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
education is a top priority for parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it guarantees their children's future.
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IELTS essay for all children, the ability to play instrument is just as important as the ability to read and write. how far do you agree with this situation?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
211 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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