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following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine."Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey ask

following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine. " Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey ask 85G8x
The author of the presented argument contends that the sales of Whirlwind video games is likely to increase in the next few months due to a recent survey that allowed the company to make new games with the graphics that their supposed audience wants. The author comes to this conclusion by using an extremely flawed argument. Although the increase in graphics and the change in advertisement may help the company increase sales, the author's use of vague terms, lack of evidence and vast assumptions makes the conclusion impossible to validate. To begin, the author of the argument claims the conclusion on a survey that is far too vague. This survey is the grounding for the authors main argument which proclaims that higher graphics are what video game players want and therefore once the company Whirlwind sells such games, the sales will dramatically increase. The concern with using this survey as the base for the argument is that there is no sample size explained, no age group defined, and no discussion of the timing of the survey. What if the survey was completed 10 years ago, before there was a decline in sales for Whirlwind. Additionally, the survey could have been completed by people who are not in the age group that the company will now start to advertise to, which they state is the age group of 10-25. The author needs to complete a new survey that uses an appropriate sample size, a representative group and needs to define terms with detail in order to use it in this argument as proof of the conclusion. Additionally, the argument propounds that if the company focuses its new sales on the age group of 10--25, which is the age group that is most likely to play video games, then the sales will increase. This statement is an assumption that rests on no validity. The author does not state how this conclusion was discovered; was there an additional survey to find out the approproate age group? was the survey representative? With this statement disproved, the aurhor's conclusion appears again weak and flawed. The author should provide the reader with the proof for this assumption in order to strengthen the argument. The author uses another assumption to back up the argument when assuming that the decline in sales in the past two years is due to the company Whirlwind. There are many more factors to consider and that need be addressed by the author to make this claim vaild. For example, what if in the past two years there has been an economic crash and unemployment rates are high? This could cause a decrease in sales for all non-necessary items. Also, what are the prices of the video games? Additionally, what if the videogames sold by Whirlwind have a higher price than other videogame companies and that is the cause of the decline in sales in the past two years. The author needs to define the terms used when it comes sales and provide the reader with specific numbers to prove the conclusion to be valid. The author makes a fair attempt to argue that due to the survey presented, the company Whirlwind can make changes appropriate to increase sales. The last problem with this statement is that the author is predicting the future, which makes for a poor argument. What if these changes are made and sales do not go up because there is a competing company who sells the same games for half the price? In conclusion, the author should address the flaws in their argument and correct them by adding defined terms, thorough surveys with representative sample sizes, and addressing all the alternative possibilities as to why the company has had a decrease in sales over the past two years. If completed, the author can have a strong argument with a conclusion that is easily validated.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
of the presented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
contends that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of Whirlwind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
next
few months due to a recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with the graphics that their supposed audience wants. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
by using an
extremely
flawed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in graphics and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in advertisement may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
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company
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
, the author's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
use
of vague terms, lack of evidence and vast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
assumptions
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
impossible to validate.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, the
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author
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
claims the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
that is
far too vague. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
is the grounding for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
authors
main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
which proclaims that higher graphics are what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game players want and
therefore
once the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
Whirlwind sells such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
will
dramatically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
. The concern with using this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
as the base for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
is that there is no sample size
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
, no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
defined, and no discussion of the timing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
. What if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
was completed
10 years ago,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
there was a decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for Whirlwind.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
could have
been completed
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are not in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to advertise to, which they state is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 10-25. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to complete a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
uses
an appropriate sample size, a representative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to define terms with detail in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
use
it in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
as proof of the conclusion.

Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
propounds that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
focuses its new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of 10--25, which is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
that is
most likely to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, then the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
. This statement is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
assumption
that rests on no validity. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
does not state how this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
was discovered
; was there an additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
to find out the
Possible spelling mistake found.
approproate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
?
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
was
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
representative? With this statement disproved, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
aurhor
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
appears again weak and flawed. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
should provide the reader with the proof for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
assumption
in order to strengthen the argument.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
uses
another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
assumption
to back up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
when assuming that the decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
two years is due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
Whirlwind. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more factors to consider and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
be addressed
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
this claim
Possible spelling mistake found.
vaild
.
For example
, what if in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
two years there has been an economic crash and unemployment rates are high? This could cause a decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for all non-necessary items.
Also
, what are the prices of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
?
Additionally
, what if the
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogames
sold by Whirlwind have a higher price than other
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogame
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
and
that is
the cause of the decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
two years. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to define the terms
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
and provide the reader with specific numbers to prove the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
to be valid.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
attempt to argue that due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
survey
presented, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
Whirlwind can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
appropriate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
last problem with this statement is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
is predicting the future, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
for a poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
. What if these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are made
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
do not go up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is a competing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
who sells the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for half the price?

In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
should address the flaws in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
and correct them by adding defined terms, thorough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
surveys
with representative sample sizes, and addressing all the alternative possibilities as to why the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
has had a decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
two years. If completed, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
author
can have a strong
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argument
with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conclusion
that is
easily
validated.
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IELTS essay following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine. " Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey ask

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
645 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine."Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey ask