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Figures show that in some countries there is an ever increasing proportion of population aged 15 or younger What do you think the effect of current and future in those countries v.2

Figures show that in some countries there is an ever increasing proportion of population aged 15 or younger What do you think the effect of current and future in those countries v. 2
Recently, the growth of population soared excessively among countries, especially in Asia, and has not shown any sign of stopping. In this essay, I will analyze the unfavourable impact of this phenomenon in the present and future. Firstly, the demand for schools and hospitals is alarmingly high, and will put these children at risk due to the lack of provision. Indeed, this is merely a reflection of failed family planning. For instance, toddlers and adolescents in China and India are not nourished with enough qualified educational institutions, and every year there are thousands of children who dropped out of school. Secondly, this uncontrolled way of birth leads to the belittlement of humans value. Children in an overcrowded family are not provided with sufficient attention and care that they deserved. In the future, this leads to the critical issue of unemployment. The demand will not catch up with the supply, and workplaces will not be able to admit all of them. Once again, the underappreciation of humans strikes, and making them have no choice but to immigrate. Consequently, this is the cause of brain drain, as youngster in China and India will be moving to another country, because they are not highly recognized up to their ability. Needless to say, the increase of population occurs in countries has to be reduced and minimized. In a nutshell, population explosion has been a major problem in the last decade. Regarding its negative impact on humans lives in both the present and future, I strongly believe that the reduction of population is immensely important and needs to be acknowledged widely.
Recently, the growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
soared
excessively
among countries,
especially
in Asia, and has not shown any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of stopping. In this essay, I will analyze the
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
impact of this phenomenon in the present and future.

Firstly
, the demand for schools and hospitals is
alarmingly
high, and will put these children at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
due to the lack of provision.
Indeed
, this is
merely
a reflection of failed family planning.
For instance
, toddlers and adolescents in China and India are not nourished with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
qualified educational institutions, and every year there are thousands of children who dropped out of school.
Secondly
, this uncontrolled way of birth leads to the belittlement of humans value. Children in an overcrowded family are not provided with sufficient attention and care that they deserved.

In the future, this leads to the critical issue of unemployment. The demand will not catch up with the supply, and workplaces will not be able to admit all of them. Once again, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
underappreciation
of humans strikes, and making them have no choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to immigrate.
Consequently
, this is the cause of brain drain, as youngster in China and India will be moving to another country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not
highly
recognized up to their ability. Needless to say, the increase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
occurs in countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and minimized.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
explosion has been a major problem in the last decade. Regarding its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in both the present and future, I
strongly
believe that the reduction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is
immensely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and needs to
be acknowledged
widely
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Figures show that in some countries there is an ever increasing proportion of population aged 15 or younger What do you think the effect of current and future in those countries v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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