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favorite leisure activity and its benefits

favorite leisure activity and its benefits aVeB7
People's interests vary, as do their hobbies. Having a hobby is essential to human existence. Everyone nowadays is preoccupied with life. My family and I don’t spend much time together. As a result, they are extremely depressed. Hobbies are excellent for unwinding and decreasing stress. Personally, when I get time, I like doing many things such as watching television, listening to music, reading books, etcetera. However, listening to music is still number one in my heart. I have been listening to many kinds of music since I was a little girl. Vpop, Kpop, USUK, and Cpop are some genres of music that I have listened to. But for me, I am especially keen on the US-UK songs. Around a long day of studying, I only have two to three hours for my hobby. Due to having a smartphone, I can freely download a large number of songs from Spotify, which I generally listen to through headphones. Even if no one is home, I will turn on the loudspeakers in the living room so that I may get the greatest music experience, but I like to listen to music with headphones the majority of the time. This hobby brings me a lot of advantages. First of all, music can improve mood, decrease pain and anxiety, and facilitate opportunities for emotional expression. Research suggests that music can benefit my physical and mental health in numerous ways. For instance, anytime I am self-study at home, I would listen to study beats, and sometimes I reduce my learning-related stress by listening to chill tunes. Secondly, listening to music helps me a lot in learning English. Thanks to this habit, I can improve my English vocabulary, consequently, I can enrich my mind. Additionally, it also develops my love for music; therefore, I am discovering many kinds of music, which is allowing my music expertise to improve. However, it does have some demerits such as I cannot be active in my outdoor activities like playing sports. In conclusion, it is worth listening to music because it provides me with numerous pros but also some cons. Music is my life, and I will never give it up in the future.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
's interests vary, as do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
. Having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
is essential to human existence. Everyone nowadays
is preoccupied
with life. My family and I don’t spend much time together.
As a result
, they are
extremely
depressed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Hobbies
are excellent for unwinding and decreasing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Personally
, when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time, I like doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things such as watching television, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, reading books, etcetera.
However
, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
still
number one in my heart.

I have been listening to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
since I was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
girl.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Vpop
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kpop
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
USUK
, and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cpop
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
genres of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
that I have listened to.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
for me, I am
especially
keen on the US-UK songs. Around a long day of studying, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have two to three hours for my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
. Due to having a smartphone, I can
freely
download
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
songs from Spotify, which I
generally
listen to through headphones. Even if no one is home, I will turn on the loudspeakers in the living room
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that I may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the greatest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
experience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I like to listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with headphones the majority of the time.

This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobby
brings me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
advantages.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
mood, decrease pain and anxiety, and facilitate opportunities for emotional expression. Research suggests that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can benefit my physical and mental health in numerous ways.
For instance
, anytime I am self-study at home, I would listen to study beats, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
my learning-related
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
by listening to chill tunes.
Secondly
, listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
me a lot in learning English. Thanks to this habit, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my English vocabulary,
consequently
, I can enrich my mind.
Additionally
, it
also
develops my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
;
therefore
, I am discovering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which is allowing my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
expertise to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
.
However
, it does have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits such as I cannot be active in my outdoor activities like playing sports.

In conclusion
, it is worth listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it provides me with numerous pros
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is my life, and I will never give it up in the future.
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IELTS essay favorite leisure activity and its benefits

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
363 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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