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Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. v.4

Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. v. 4
An ideology exists that because women take full responsibility for decisions about childbearing, they also are responsible for rearing the child. In my opinion, I disagree that the women ought to be responsible for decisions about both childbearing and raising the child because it will greatly diminish the father’s role in child’s life and aside from that, parenthood is a shared responsibility. First of all, decisions on childbearing may be greatly attached to women’s choice. However, many other factors should be considered in rearing the child such as the couple’s financial ability to support the growth of the new baby. The father’s role is not limited to save money for his family but also includes changing the diapers in the middle of the night, as I have mentioned before parenthood is a shared responsibility. Also, a father should be always involved in raising the child because there are several activities that are best suited to be done by the father; such as, bringing the child from a sports event. This will lead to increasing the relationship between the father and his children, and this cannot be done by depriving the father of his right in bringing up his babies. In addition, women are different in the modern era. More women are breaking the traditional view that they are confined to the four walls of the home as a housewife. More women, therefore, want to have shared responsibility between them and their partner in raising their kids. For instance, a woman takes her child to school and his father is committed to bringing him/her back home. In conclusion, parenthood is a shared responsibility and dividing the tasks of bringing up the child between the two couples will lead to a healthy, strong relationship between them and their children.
An ideology exists that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
take full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
for decisions about childbearing, they
also
are responsible for rearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. In my opinion, I disagree that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
ought to be responsible for decisions about both childbearing and raising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will
greatly
diminish the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father’s
role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
life and aside from that, parenthood is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
responsibility.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, decisions on childbearing may be
greatly
attached to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
choice.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other factors should
be considered
in rearing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
such as the couple’s financial ability to support the growth of the new baby. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father’s
role is not limited to save money for his family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
includes changing the diapers in the middle of the night, as I have mentioned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
parenthood is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
.
Also
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
should be always involved in raising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are several activities that are best suited to
be done
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
; such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bringing
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
from a sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
. This will lead to increasing the relationship between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
and his children, and this cannot
be done
by depriving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
of his right in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bringing
up his babies.

In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in the modern era. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are breaking the traditional view that they
are confined
to the four walls of the home as a housewife. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
therefore
, want to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
between them and their partner in raising their kids.
For instance
, a woman takes her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
to school and his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
is committed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bringing
him/her back home.

In conclusion
, parenthood is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shared
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
and dividing the tasks of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bringing
up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
between the two couples will lead to a healthy, strong relationship between them and their children.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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