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Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular. Some feel that this is a positive trend, while others do not. What are your opinions in this? v.3

Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular. Some feel that this is a positive trend, while others do not. What are your opinions in this? v. 3
Replacing daily meals with fast foods is becoming a norm in the modern world. People in the modern society are no longer cooking due to their busy schedules. In my opinion, this trend has more demerits than merits. There are two primary reason for this. First of all, fast foods are made up of high proportion of unhealthy ingredients such as unsaturated fats, oil, sugar and salt. Frequent consume of these will cause obesity and health problems including fatty liver, high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels. In additional to that, fast foods have very low nutritional value and do not fulfill the requirements of a moderate diet. Hence, constant intake of fast foods may cause nutritional deficiency in the long term. This is especially harmful to children and teenagers whose bodies are still developing. Further and even more importantly, replacing proper meals with fast foods may also affect family bonding over meals. Fast foods are almost never eaten together sitting around a table. Rather youngsters and children alike consume them sitting in front of the television or computer. The overuse of fast foods also eliminates any opportunity to cook together and talk to each other. This lack of communication within the household effects on family relationship. Children may doubt that they are not close enough to their parents and stop sharing their issues that they face at daily life. Thus, This may eventually cause behavioural problems in them. To conclude, I feel that the invention of fast foods is bringing more harms than good to the modern and rapid life. In my opinion, health and family bonding are valuable things and they should be the priorities of our lives at all moments. Therefore, fast food consumption should be restricted and it is the only way to protect the next generation from the mentioned problems.
Replacing daily meals with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
is becoming a norm in the modern world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
in the modern society are no longer cooking due to their busy schedules. In my opinion, this trend has more demerits than merits. There are two primary reason for this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are made
up of high proportion of unhealthy ingredients such as unsaturated fats, oil, sugar and salt. Frequent consume of these will cause obesity and health problems including fatty liver, high blood pressure and high cholesterol levels. In additional to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low nutritional value and do not fulfill the requirements of a moderate diet.
Hence
, constant intake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
may cause nutritional deficiency in the long term. This is
especially
harmful to children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
whose bodies are
still
developing.

Further
and even more
importantly
, replacing proper meals with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
may
also
affect family bonding over meals.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are almost never eaten together sitting around a table.
Rather
youngsters and children alike consume them sitting in front of the television or computer. The overuse of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
also
eliminates any opportunity to cook together and talk to each other. This lack of communication within the household effects on family relationship. Children may doubt that they are not close
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to their parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
sharing their issues that they face at daily life.
Thus
, This may
eventually
cause
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
problems in them.

To conclude
, I feel that the invention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
is bringing more harms than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to the modern and rapid life. In my opinion, health and family bonding are valuable
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
things and
they should be the priorities of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at all moments.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
consumption should
be restricted
and it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to protect the
next
generation from the mentioned problems.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular. Some feel that this is a positive trend, while others do not. What are your opinions in this? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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