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Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. however, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think this is? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v.10

Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. however, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think this is? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v. 10
Art is a beautiful representation of the variety of cultures from across the world. But, nowadays a very small number of people are inclined towards it and more interest is being shown in the subjects of science, technology and business. In this essay, I would discuss some of the reasons of this newer change and would like to propose certain ways by which people could be attracted towards artwork. Firstly, it is a well-known fact that, artists are paid less as compared to other professionals. For example, in Pakistan, if we compare the monthly wedge of a bank manager or an accountant, which is around 60, 000 to 80, 000 rupees per month, with that of either a painter or a musician, who hardly earn an amount of 30, 000 to 40, 000 rupees monthly, we would find an obvious difference. Moreover, there are more job opportunities for people like doctors and engineers than a sculptor or writer. This problem of low salaries and fewer jobs is a strong reason why people are not fond of being an artist. But, if at the state level, this issue is addressed and the government tries to offer jobs with healthy and equal salary packages to both the science and art workers, there is a high likelihood of people gaining back the interest in this field. Secondly, the way a school curriculum is designed has a lot to do with the students' attraction towards art. For instance, it is acommon mistake observed in many school syllabi that, they do not allocate an adequate proportion to the subjects like painting, drawing and music. This is because, unfortunately, it is the perception of school and college administration that these subjects are of no value to the students when they grow up. This matter, however, could be very easily solved if a balanced education system is given paramount importance when setting the scedule of classes. This would have a tremendous benefit as, more attention would be drawn towards pursuing the lost passion of being an artist. To conclude, by increasing the pay scale for the jobs of artwork and improvising undergraduate syllabi, the new generation could be attracted towards the long-forgotten profession of art.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
representation of the variety of cultures from across the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, nowadays a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are inclined
towards it and more interest is
being shown
in the subjects of science, technology and business. In this essay, I would discuss
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons of this newer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
and would like to propose certain ways by which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
be attracted
towards artwork.

Firstly
,
it is a well-known fact that
, artists
are paid
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to other professionals.
For example
, in Pakistan, if we compare the monthly wedge of a bank manager or an accountant, which is around 60, 000 to 80, 000 rupees per month, with that of either a painter or a musician, who hardly earn an amount of 30, 000 to 40, 000 rupees monthly, we would find an obvious difference.
Moreover
, there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like doctors and engineers than a sculptor or writer. This problem of low salaries and fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
is a strong reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not fond of being an artist.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if at the state level, this issue
is addressed
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
tries to offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
with healthy and equal salary packages to both the science and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
workers, there is a high likelihood of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gaining back the interest in this field.

Secondly
, the way a school curriculum
is designed
has a lot to do with the students' attraction towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
For instance
, it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
acommon
mistake observed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
school syllabi that, they do not allocate an adequate proportion to the subjects like painting, drawing and music. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, unfortunately, it is the perception of school and college administration that these subjects are of no value to the students when they grow up. This matter,
however
, could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
easily
solved if a balanced education system is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
paramount importance when setting the
Possible spelling mistake found.
scedule
of classes.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
This
would have a tremendous benefit as, more attention would
be drawn
towards pursuing the lost passion of being an artist.

To conclude
, by increasing the pay scale for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
of artwork and improvising undergraduate syllabi, the new generation could
be attracted
towards the long-forgotten profession of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Art is considered an essential part of all cultures throughout the world. however, these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology and business. Why do you think this is? What could be done to encourage more people to take interest in the arts? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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