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Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solution… v.2

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solution… v. 2
It is a fact that more elders tend to move into nursing homes or senior houses nowadays rather than living in a house with their children, which causes them to suffer loneliness and health problems. The essay will discuss about the reasons for this phenomenon and list out some solutions. With the  society development, family structure has been involving constantly. This contributes that the elderly live alone or in a nursing home. In the past, people made a living close to their families so that they were able to live under one roof. Therefore, the elderly spent time with their family and led happier lives than before. However, nowadays, in order to secure a job, sometimes,  adults need to relocate to other cities and make a living far away from their family. As a result,   they were unable to take care of their parents or grandparents. As people are turning older, they may suffer from chronic illnesses, such as arthritis, heart disease and so on, which also will diminish their physical capacity. This will affect their daily activities including social activities and contribute to their mental illnesses as well.  Many of them will end up in nursing homes. Tackling the current issues faced by the elderly needs the cooperation of the youth and local governments.   Firstly, it is necessary for younger adults to build up a routine to spend time with their elderlies. For example, people should schedule a fixed time weekly for family time if they live in the same cities or vocation times to travel to visit their family. Secondly, daily conversation via video social media will be one of useful methods to enhance the connection with their parents or grandparents. In addition, encouraging the elderly to participate in various activities that are promoted for them will also help them to stay healthy and happy. In summary, the change of family structure worldwide and busy daily life activities contribute that the elderly lack of their family members' care. This  contributes that the elderly are having a lonely life in current societies. Therefore, encouraging the young to visit the parents or grandparents regularly will help to keep the elder staying healthy. Local governments also should promote more activities which are suitable for senior citizens to joint in.
It is a fact that more elders tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
into nursing homes or senior
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
nowadays
rather
than living in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
with their children, which causes them to suffer loneliness and health problems. The essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
reasons for this phenomenon and list out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

With the
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
society development,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure has been involving
constantly
. This contributes that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
alone or in a nursing home. In the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
made a living close to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they were able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
 under one roof.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and led happier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
However
, nowadays, in order to secure a job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
adults need to relocate to other cities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a living far away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
As a result
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
they were unable to take care of their parents or grandparents. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 are turning older, they may suffer from chronic illnesses, such as arthritis, heart disease and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, which
also
will diminish their physical capacity. This will affect their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
including social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and contribute to their mental illnesses
as well
.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up in nursing homes.

Tackling the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
issues faced by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
needs the cooperation of the youth and local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
Firstly
, it is necessary for younger adults to build up a routine to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
Possible spelling mistake found.
elderlies
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should schedule a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
weekly for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the same cities or vocation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
to travel to visit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Secondly
, daily conversation via video social media will be one of useful methods to enhance the connection with their parents or grandparents.
In addition
, encouraging the elderly to participate in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that
are promoted
for them will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to stay healthy and happy.

In summary, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure worldwide and busy daily life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
contribute that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
lack of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members' care. This
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
contributes that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elderly
are having a lonely life in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
societies.
Therefore
, encouraging the young to visit the parents or grandparents
regularly
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the elder staying healthy. Local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
also
should promote more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which are suitable for senior citizens to joint in.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solution… v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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