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Excessive traffic has made cities unpleasant places to live and work in. For this reason, private cars should be completely banned from city centres v.2

Excessive traffic has made cities unpleasant places to live and work in. For this reason, private cars should be completely banned from city centres v. 2
It is a common argued that many workers over the age of 60 should not be worked. In fact, they should be retired at that stage. I favour with this point of view, because working in old age cause health problems and they should give this opportunity to young people. It is apparent that working after the 60 years old can create critical health problems. It is a well established fact, that human body at older ages can not endure the stress and work pressure. When people are getting older, the power of the body will also decrease. Therefore, they cannot do any kind of hard task. For example, An old aged man cannot take the heavy stuff in the workplace or because of stress and work load he cannot sell the products in a market. Therefore, they should not do jobs and do not need to put their body and mind in under pressure. In the modern era, every company needs an employee who has modern skills and new ideas for the growth and success of an organization. No doubt, the old people have good experience but not have impressive techniques. So, they should give the chance to young people who have new skills and ideas which can help to solve the problems based on advanced technology. Therefore, companies will grow faster and reach their goals. For example, In India the famous businessman Mukesh Ambani is started one more Jio mobile company with the help of today's generation people. It is evident that the company should retire over age people to make some spaces available for modern people. Therefore, it's necessary to don't allow older people in the workplace. In conclusion, it can be concluded that, it's better if the workers over 60 should be retired and not work. I believe that, they may face health related problems which reduce their efficiency and they do not allow young people to have the opportunity to job.
It is a common argued that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 should not
be worked
. In fact, they should
be retired
at that stage. I
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
with this point of view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
working in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
cause health
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problems and
they should give this opportunity to young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

It is apparent that working after the 60 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
can create critical health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. It is a well established fact, that human body at older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
can not endure the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and work pressure. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting older, the power of the body will
also
decrease.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they cannot do any kind of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
task.
For example
, An
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
cannot take the heavy stuff in the workplace or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and work load he cannot sell the products in a market.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they should not do jobs and do not need to put their body and mind in under pressure.

In the modern era, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
needs an employee who has modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
for the growth and success of an organization. No doubt, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not have impressive techniques.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they should give the chance to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
based on advanced technology.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
will grow faster and reach their goals.
For example
, In India the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
businessman Mukesh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ambani
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
one more
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jio
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It is evident that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
should retire over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
spaces available for modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, it's necessary to don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the workplace.

In conclusion
, it can
be concluded
that, it's better if the workers over 60 should
be retired
and not work. I believe that, they may face health related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
efficiency and
they do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have the opportunity to job.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Excessive traffic has made cities unpleasant places to live and work in. For this reason, private cars should be completely banned from city centres v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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