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"Excellence could be achieved only by competition. " Do you agree with the statement or not? Give reasons and examples for your arguments. v.1

"Excellence could be achieved only by competition. " or not? Give reasons and examples for your arguments. v. 1
I am convinced by the fact that the government should take the ownership of banning toxic substances that harm the overall health of the society and should also be mindful of the well being of its citizens as well. This essay will discuss why imposing restrictions on alcohol and tobacco has become a debatable topic. Firstly, liquor and cigar industry is a booming business. Insipte of the recession this sector has not experienced a downward trend. Furthermore, there items are in high demand particularly among the youth. Secondly, a large portion of the government's revenue comes from the taxes on cigarettes. For example, the tobacco industry pays higher taxes to the ministry. Therefore, banning these substances will lead to loss of money which is used for the development of the country. However, despite the fact that liquor contributes a large portion of revenue to the administration, the health of the society needs to be kept in mind as these substances have a negative impact on the people of the country. Moreover, there are numerous diseases that are caused by the consumption of these substances. For instance, it has been proven that the intake of cigar causes cancer. Due to these reasons, any governing party should be watchful and control the use of addictive items. In conclusion, banning addictive items is not a solution as revenue collected from these sources is used for growth of the country. Imposing controlled restrictions will not only keep the overall health of the society in check but will also not impact flow of funds for administration.
I
am convinced
by the fact that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take the ownership of banning toxic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
that harm the
overall
health of the society and should
also
be mindful of the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of its citizens
as well
. This essay will discuss why imposing restrictions on alcohol and tobacco has become a debatable topic.

Firstly
, liquor and cigar industry is a booming business.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Insipte
of the recession this sector has not experienced a downward trend.
Furthermore
, there items are in high demand
particularly
among the youth.
Secondly
, a large portion of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's revenue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from the taxes on cigarettes.
For example
, the tobacco industry pays higher taxes to the ministry.
Therefore
, banning these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
will lead to loss of money which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the development of the country.

However
, despite the fact that liquor contributes a large portion of revenue to the administration, the health of the society needs to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in mind as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of the country.
Moreover
, there are numerous diseases that
are caused
by the consumption of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
.
For instance
, it has
been proven
that the intake of cigar causes cancer. Due to these reasons, any governing party should be watchful and control the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of addictive items.

In conclusion
, banning addictive items is not a solution as revenue collected from these sources is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for growth of the country. Imposing controlled restrictions will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
overall
health of the society in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
not impact flow of funds for administration.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay "Excellence could be achieved only by competition. " or not? Give reasons and examples for your arguments. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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