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equality between man and women in job

equality between man and women in job 2RJmo
Human beings are created as male and female to complement each other, however there are differences in strength and weakness between genders, In deed it is wrong to exclude male or female from certain occupations, we can find plenty of exceptions around the world, I will explain that, we, must not to pursues our dreams despite of gender At first for instance we can see vast majority of popular chef are men like Gordon Ramsey (a famous British chef) moreover there are lots of mean who are excel in fashion and clothing design and become a high brand One the other hand we have some women are successful in politics even sometimes their decision are much better than the else on of them Angela Merkel (the president of Germany) for a long time physical career were done by men and nobody could accept to have a female partner because they thought she is not available for that, but life are always are changing after a second world war we had a huge problem most of men were been killed in the battle in this while governments realized to reform their economy should join women's role in different part of life for that reason the history has been changed for ever, in my view I agree with this issue we must know if we want to a strong and stable economy we have to participate female in our future and forget the old beliefs for every. In summary I believe the differences between man and women it is obviously that men are naturally are stronger than the women but it does not matter It depends on passion and love, if somebody loves his or her career he or she will be successful and he will achieve his goal although there are hardships I totally believe that.
Human beings
are created
as male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
to complement each other,
however
there are differences in strength and weakness between genders,

In
The comma is probably missing here: "deed, it".
deed it
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to exclude male or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
from certain occupations, we can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of exceptions around the world, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
that, we,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not to pursues our dreams
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
gender

At
first
for instance
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
It seems that an article is missing.
vast majority of
popular chef are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
like Gordon Ramsey (a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
British chef)
moreover
there are lots of mean who are
Consider using a past participle here: "excelled".
excel
in fashion and clothing design and become a high brand

Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand we have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
women are successful in politics even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
their decision are much better than the else on of them Angela

Merkel (the president of Germany) for a long time physical career
were done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and nobody could accept to have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
partner
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
she is not available for that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
life are always
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
are
changing after a second world war we had a huge problem most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were been
killed in the battle in this while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
realized to reform their economy should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
women's role in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
part of life for that reason the history has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
for ever, in my view I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this issue we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
know if we want to a strong and stable economy we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
participate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
in our future and forget the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
beliefs for every.

In
The comma is probably missing here: "summary, I".
summary I
believe the differences between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and women it is
obviously
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
naturally
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
are
stronger than the women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not matter

It depends on passion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, if somebody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
career he or she will be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
successful and
he will achieve his goal although there are hardships

I
totally
believe that.
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IELTS essay equality between man and women in job

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
305 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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