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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.49

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 49
In these recent decades, information has been become a valuable resource for many industries. Likewise, the employers were starting to demand many personal data from the candidates to make their decision. From my point of view, the employee could acquire this information for their personal judgement with some conditions to protect these candidate privacy. Analysing the benefits and losses from losing these privacy and employment matters will prove this. To begin with, the human resource department could choose the best man for their business from these provided data. Some occupation, such as, a journalist required the candidate to skilled in writing stories, read a number of books and have some experience and thought on the specific area. Nonetheless, if the candidates agreed to offer their private data, the company's staffs might have used this information in a wrong way, and there is no guarantee about these staff biased. Despite the risk of these troubles, this info could provide the right man for the right task and could offer satisfaction to both employer and employee. Also, the company staffs could benefit from these data as it can offer data bank to select the right man from thousands of the job hunters. At this date, there are many tools, for example, job website or apps which develop to better both the head hunt and the job hunt easiest and high efficiency as possible. However, the might have to exchange their privacy to reach these results and sometimes these websites might sell their personal info. As for the efficiency of employment, it was a cheap price to pay, because the length of unemployed is fearsome. In conclusion, information is needed to sacrifice for these developments to make their life easier. The employee can take these personal data with a condition not to expose their privacy. There will be a better tool in the future if these approaches were accepted.
In these recent decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
has
been become
a valuable resource for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
industries.
Likewise
, the employers were starting to demand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidates
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their decision. From my point of view, the employee could acquire this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
judgement with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
conditions to protect these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
privacy.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Analysing' is British English.
Analysing
the benefits and losses from losing these privacy and employment matters will prove this.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the human resource department could choose the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
for their business from these provided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
occupation, such as, a journalist required the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidate
to skilled in writing stories, read a number of books and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
on the specific area. Nonetheless, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
candidates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
to offer their private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's staffs might have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
way, and there is no guarantee about these staff biased. Despite the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of these troubles, this info could provide the right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
for the right task and could offer satisfaction to both employer and employee.

Also
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
staffs could benefit from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
as it can offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
bank to select the right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
from thousands of the job hunters. At this date, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tools,
for example
, job website or apps which develop to better both the
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
head hunt
and the job hunt easiest and high efficiency as possible.
However
, the might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
exchange their privacy to reach these results and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
these websites might sell their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
info. As for the efficiency of employment, it was a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
price to pay,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the length of unemployed is fearsome.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is needed
to sacrifice for these developments to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life easier. The employee can take these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
with a condition not to expose their privacy. There will be a better tool in the future if these approaches were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 49

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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