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Employers should give their workers at least one month holiday a year as it makes them to do better at their job. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Employers should give their workers at least one month holiday a year as it makes them to do better at their job. v. 2
Work Life over the recent times has become much more depending as compared to the past. In my view, in order to maintain the productivity of the employee, annually one month of leave should be given to them. Moreover, we have seen a great shift in the work lifestyle of people. Nowadays, people work for a number of hours, in order to make more money. This could not only lead to health problems, and could drain him physically as well as mentally. For example, if the employee has a job where numerous hours are spent in front of the computer, this could lead on reducing their eye vision and can mentally exhaust him. It is imperative for him to take some break, which can relax his mind. Therefore, every employer should ensure the employee can take some duration off, which will also improve his productivity. In addition, doing the same job every day can be monotonous for him. If he takes some time off, he will be able to have a good amount of rest and a fresh mind once he gets back to work, which can indeed increase his moral towards his job. The duration off will also help him in spending time with his family. The helps in building a closer bond, which and can bring more happiness in the life of the employee. As we are aware a happy employee with work effectively. In conclusion, it is important for the well being of a person to take time off. However, this helps a person to recover from stress, which will indeed help In increasing his productivity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Work
Life over the recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
has become much more
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depending on".
depending
as compared to the past. In my view, in order to maintain the productivity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
,
annually
one month of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to them.

Moreover
, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a great shift in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
lifestyle of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Nowadays,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a number of hours, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more money. This could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
lead to health problems, and could drain him
physically
as well
as mentally.
For example
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
has a job where numerous hours
are spent
in front of the computer, this could lead on reducing their eye vision and can mentally exhaust him. It is imperative for him to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
break, which can relax his mind.
Therefore
, every employer should ensure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
duration
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
, which will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
his productivity.

In addition
, doing the same job every day can be monotonous for him. If he takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
, he will be able to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of rest and a fresh mind once he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which can
indeed
increase his moral towards his job. The duration
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
will
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
him in spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with his family. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in building a closer bond, which and can bring more happiness in the life of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
we are aware a happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
effectively
.

In conclusion
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
of a person to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
off
.
However
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
a person to recover from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, which will
indeed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
In increasing his productivity.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Employers should give their workers at least one month holiday a year as it makes them to do better at their job. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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