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effects of the World Cup, Olympics and other international games

effects of the World Cup, Olympics and other international games 2PVJJ
First of all, the World Cup, Olympics and other international games work for easing tensions among different nations. For example, South and North Korea have football games regularly which give two nations a chance to understand each other deeply. In the mid 1990s, a hundreds of North Korean supporters came to South Korea with the footballers and they were very excited during the sporting events. Even if it sounds ridiculous, many South Koreans were quite surprised at that moment when North Koreans shouted and cried during the match. We all realized that they were very normal sports fans even though they were occasionally very secretive. Through the sports, two divided nations could reduce their political and ideological tensions and could feel the patriotic unity. On the other hand, some sports matches can make international relations worse. For instance, football or baseball games between Korea and Japan are always big matches in two countries where full of tensions overflow. Sometimes, after the matches, the two rivals blame each other and their patriotic emotions explode in an aggressive way. Even much worse scenario is that the troubles caused by losing games affect the players directly. In conclusion, I think that international sporting occasions can be one of the good ways to ease tensions or to release patriotism safely. However, I believe that games can not be the fundamental ways for the sound patriotism or peaceful international relations
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the World Cup, Olympics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
work for easing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tensions
among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations.
For example
, South and North Korea have football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
regularly
which give two nations a chance to understand each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
deeply
. In the mid 1990s,
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a hundred" or simply "hundreds"?
a hundreds
of North Korean supporters came to South Korea with the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
footballers and
they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
excited during the sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
. Even if it sounds ridiculous,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
South Koreans were quite surprised at that moment when North Koreans shouted and cried during the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
match
. We all realized that they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
normal sports fans
even though
they were
occasionally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
secretive. Through the sports, two divided nations could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their political and ideological
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tensions
and could feel the patriotic unity.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
relations worse.
For instance
, football or baseball
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games
between Korea and Japan are always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
in two countries where full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tensions
overflow.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matches
, the two rivals blame each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and their patriotic emotions explode
Consider replacing "in an aggressive way" with the adverb for "aggressive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an aggressive way
. Even much worse scenario is that the troubles caused by losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
affect the players
directly
.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
sporting occasions can be one of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tensions
or to release patriotism
safely
.
However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can not be the fundamental ways for the sound patriotism or peaceful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
relations
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IELTS essay effects of the World Cup, Olympics and other international games

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
234 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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