Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

E. Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

E. Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 1
Whether or not to include subjects, such as music and art, in the school curriculum has become a controversial issue. Some individuals believe that these have similar significance as any other subject, others think that there is no need to make them part of the elementary classes. I, however, agree with the given statement. This essay intends to delve into the supporting argument in depth. First of all, art subjects should be taught in the school. As it cannot be denied that these are helpful in the physical and cognitive development of the children. Since music, art and theatrical subjects involve the use of all the sense organs and other body parts, therefore eventually it leads to the all-round growth of the pupils. For instance, a recent research reveals that those who are taught music and arts tend to attain better grades in their academic performance and are active learners. Thus teaching artistic skills in the school will develop a better and responsible citizen in the future. Moreover, it has been seen that learning of art related subjects helps in the arousal of the hidden talents of the young learners. In short, inborn talent can be shaped by the teachers, which provides them a well establish life, later on, in life. For example, these days there are thousands of the youngsters who are doing excel in singing and dancing in distinct reality shows. Hence, when certain subjects are taught at the primary level, it turns out to be beneficial for many of them. To conclude, despite having disputes over the spreading of knowledge about extracurricular skills such as music. Some people are in favour of this, whereas others oppose. I firmly believe that these are crucial for the progress and better future of the nation.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, in the school curriculum has become a controversial issue.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that these have similar significance as any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them part of the elementary classes. I,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement. This essay intends to delve into the supporting argument in depth.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
be taught
in the school. As it cannot
be denied
that these are helpful in the physical and cognitive development of the children. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and theatrical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
involve the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of all the sense organs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
body parts,
therefore
eventually
it leads to the all-round growth of the pupils.
For instance
, a recent research reveals that those who
are taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
tend to attain better grades in their academic performance and are active learners.
Thus
teaching artistic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in the school will develop a better and responsible citizen in the future.

Moreover
, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that learning of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in the arousal of the hidden talents of the young learners. In short, inborn talent can
be shaped
by the teachers, which provides them a well establish life, later on, in life.
For example
, these days there are thousands of the youngsters who are doing excel in singing and dancing in distinct reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
Hence
, when certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are taught
at the primary level, it turns out to be beneficial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them.

To conclude
, despite having disputes over the spreading of knowledge about extracurricular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of this, whereas others oppose. I
firmly
believe that these are crucial for the progress and better future of the nation.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay E. Some say that music, art and drama are as important as other school subjects, especially at the primary level. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts