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Doing further studies abroad has become increasingly common in recent decades. How might the advantages of studying in other country outweigh the disadvantages. v.1

Doing further studies abroad has become increasingly common in recent decades. How might the advantages of studying in other country outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1
Attending higher education has become trend in several countries around the world in over 50 decades. Indeed, it is likely to give some merits to the country as well as its people. Otherwise, the others think that it is predicted resulted in people culture disruption. To begin with, most of young adults should bury their intention to do further studies abroad due to poverty. They prefer to obtain a job after senior high school graduation, rather than having such dream. They thought that securing decent job would help them to live independently. In Indonesia, for instance, ministry of education and forces noted that eight from 10-person worked in manufacturing is coming from those whose aged under 25 years old – which means the average is mostly from juvenile graduated from senior high school or vocational high school. However, there are vast number of scholarship available from many organization (such as, private organization, campus, and so on). It is even enquired for poor people as a main objective. So, any one could have a dream to continue their study further wherever they want. Pursuing higher education outside home country could give substantial benefits to the people, especially to young adults. They will face a different culture that will be useful to broaden their horizons. Another important things, learning the new culture also improves their ability to adapt and to speak foreign language. Moreover, those who graduated from abroad achieve more experience and networking. In conclusion, people come back from abroad may be endangered social culture to their home country. But, not many of them could filter the malicious culture as long as their study periods. In spite of cultural barriers, people or young adults give tremendous impact to their country in a term of social, science, and technology.
Attending higher education has become trend in several
countries
around the world in over 50 decades.
Indeed
, it is likely to give
some
merits to the
country
as well
as its
people
.
Otherwise
, the others
think
that it
is predicted
resulted in
people
culture
disruption.

To
begin
with, most of young adults should bury their intention to do
further
studies abroad due to poverty. They prefer to obtain a job after senior high school graduation,
rather
than having such dream. They
thought
that securing decent job would
help
them to
live
independently
. In Indonesia,
for instance
, ministry of education and forces noted that eight from 10-person worked in manufacturing is coming from those whose aged under 25 years
old
which means the average is
mostly
from juvenile graduated from senior high school or vocational high school.

However
, there are vast number of scholarship available from
many
organization (such as, private organization, campus, and
so
on). It is even
enquired
for poor
people
as a main objective.
So
,
any one
could have a dream to continue their study
further
wherever they want. Pursuing higher education outside home
country
could give substantial benefits to the
people
,
especially
to young adults. They will face a
different
culture
that will be useful to broaden their horizons. Another
important
things, learning the new
culture
also
improves
their ability to adapt and to speak foreign language.
Moreover
, those who graduated from abroad achieve more experience and networking.

In conclusion
,
people
come
back from abroad may
be endangered
social
culture
to their home
country
.
But
, not
many
of them could filter the malicious
culture
as long as their study periods.
In spite of
cultural barriers,
people
or young adults give tremendous impact to their
country
in a term of social, science, and technology.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Doing further studies abroad has become increasingly common in recent decades. How might the advantages of studying in other country outweigh the disadvantages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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