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does money bring happiness ? agree or disagree ?

does money bring happiness? agree or disagree? DN1XE
Some people believe real-happiness doesn’t pertain to things which can be bought. In my view, Happiness is experience of joy, comtentment, good health, meaningful life. money is on of the most vital aspect to approach the them. Having money can improve health and save time. Firstly, Expenditure for getting rid of health problems will help us to maintain a good health which can creates a better life. There is no happiness for sick person. Medical merchandises that the poor can’t afford will prevent bacteria from attacking the body. The deseases will make them sick so they can’t be happy. Furthermore, If low-paid workers suffice money for organic foods, their health can be enhanced. According to some latest articles in developing countries, higher-paid people are commonly happier than the poor due to the good health. Advantage of having money is to give us more free time in which we can entertain ourselves. The rich can take advantage of not doing houseworks because they are served by housemaids. The more housemaids wealthy person have, the more free time they have. They will have ability to take part in entertainment activities without being worried about time. This can balance their life. In addition, richness can bring them housekeepers who have proficiency in coping with minor problems. Thanks to these people, the wealthy can fulfill the the other ventures of preference which make them satisfied. . For instance, most rich people in America hire housekeepers to avoid a hectic schedule for only one field. In conclusion, the good impacts of money on people’s happiness are clearly visible. Money is the important key to create good health and Balance time what are an initial factor to access happiness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe real-happiness doesn’t pertain to things which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is experience of joy,
Possible spelling mistake found.
comtentment
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, meaningful life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
money
is
Did you mean "one"?
on
of the most vital aspect to approach
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "them"?
the them
. Having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and save time.

Firstly
, Expenditure for getting rid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to maintain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
which can
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "create"
creates
a better life. There is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
for sick person. Medical merchandises that the poor can’t afford will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
bacteria from attacking the body. The
Possible spelling mistake found.
deseases
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them sick
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can’t be happy.
Furthermore
, If low-paid workers suffice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for organic foods, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
can
be enhanced
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
latest articles in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, higher-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
commonly
happier than the poor due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
health.

Advantage of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is to give us more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in which we can entertain ourselves. The rich can take advantage of not doing
Possible spelling mistake found.
houseworks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are served
by housemaids. The more housemaids wealthy person have, the more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they have. They will have ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in entertainment activities without
being worried
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This can balance their life.
In addition
, richness can bring them housekeepers who have proficiency in coping with minor problems. Thanks to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the wealthy can fulfill
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
other ventures of preference which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them satisfied.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
For instance
, most rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in America hire housekeepers to avoid a hectic schedule for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one field.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
are
clearly
visible.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
is the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
key to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and Balance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
what are an initial factor to access
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
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IELTS essay does money bring happiness? agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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