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Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree? v.5

It is argued that people with medical profession and tutors contribute a lot to the locality. Therefore, they should be provided with more monetary benefits in comparison with the film industry and athletes. This essay disagree with this statement because these individuals do not represent the nation as much as the stars and sportsperson; moreover, latter requires more physical involvement and challenges. To begin with, mentors and medical practitioners contribution in representation of country is less. To elaborate, medical and other reputative professions are chosen by numerous individuals whereas sportsmen and entertainers are few in number. Furthermore, generally there are competitions among the sportspersons, which are organised on national and international level, where they make the country proud by winning the medals for the country. For instance, Olympics who win medals surely deserve much remuneration than doctors and tutors. Therefore, for bringing the fame for country by actors and sportsmen make them more deserving to receive the much rewards. In addition to above, second argument in support of my view in their much physical involvement. Because of practicing for many hours a day and night they involve themselves much in their profession, in comparison to those who are in medical and teaching field. As latter fields require much mental involvement, which is not as hard as physical inludgement in activities, make them to avail higher pays than those of guiders and nurses. For instance, filmstars and tv stars along with athletes practice for minimum 18 hours a day whereas generally teachers only work for 6 to 7 hours per day. To conclude, it is not deniable that athletes and people from film industry involve themselves much in those professions and bring name and fame for the nation which make them capable to receive much higher than people from other professions
It
is argued
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
and tutors contribute a lot to the locality.
Therefore
, they should
be provided
with more monetary benefits
in comparison
with the film industry and athletes.
The verb ‘disagree’ is plural. Did you mean: “This essay disagrees”? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This essay disagree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these individuals do not represent the nation as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
as the stars and sportsperson;
moreover
, latter requires more physical involvement and challenges.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, mentors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
An apostrophe may be missing.
practitioners
contribution in representation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
is less. To elaborate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
and other
Possible spelling mistake found.
reputative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are chosen
by numerous individuals whereas sportsmen and entertainers are
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
few in number
.
Furthermore
,
generally
there are competitions among the
Possible spelling mistake found.
sportspersons
, which are
Possible spelling mistake. ‘organised’ is British English.
organised
on national and international level, where they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
proud by winning the medals for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
For instance
, Olympics who win medals
surely
deserve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
remuneration than doctors and tutors.
Therefore
, for bringing the fame for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
by actors and sportsmen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them more deserving to receive the
Use “many” with countable plural nouns like ‘rewards’.
much
rewards.

In addition
to above, second argument in support of my view in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
physical involvement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of practicing for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
hours a day and night they involve themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
,
in comparison
to those who are in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
and teaching field. As latter fields require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
mental involvement, which is not as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
as physical
Possible spelling mistake found.
inludgement
in activities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them to avail higher pays than those of guiders and nurses.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
filmstars
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
stars along with athletes practice for minimum 18 hours a day whereas
generally
teachers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
work for 6 to 7 hours per day.

To conclude
, it is not deniable that athletes and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from film industry involve themselves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
and bring name and fame for the nation which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them capable to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
much
higher than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
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IELTS essay Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to the society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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