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Do you think phone addiction is a serious problem for teens?

Do you think phone addiction is a serious problem for teens? 6mE3G
We are living in a 4. 0 era, when the Internet is not only a gadget but also a great opportunity for millions of content creators, bloggers, digital marketers, . . That really leads to a serious problem, which is phone addiction in teens. Especially in COVID 19 Pandemic, we have to stay at home for a long time and you can just meet your friends on social networks, the rate of teenagers who are addicted to phones is increasing rapidly. As a teen, I have to admit that this is an intense worry, even for the future generations. To begin, any addiction is bad, including phone addiction. No one wants to be addicted to anything. The addiction of anything would lead to health decline in both physical or mental health, and loss of control in doing normal things. We can clearly see the consequences of overusing phones in physical health: Dry eye disease, myopic, presbyopia, astigmatism; headache; Scoliosis. Teenagers now don’t really care about those issues, but they will soon realise how much they have damaged their own health when they get older. In addition, addiction to phones can cause mental health issues, including depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia and addictive behaviors. Studies show that people who are unable to cut back on cell phone usage have a higher rate of insomnia due to the blue light on not only smart phones but also technology devices such as laptops, tablets, . . Besides, using phones, especially for social media can cause narcissism, which could be seen easily. For example, selling high-reactions pages or accounts is not unfamiliar now, just for the satisfaction of being well-known on Instagram or Twitter. To sum up all of my points, I am highly sure that phone addiction is a complicated problem and should be solved immediately.
We are living in a 4. 0
Possible agreement error. The noun 'era' seems to be countable, so consider using: "eras".
era
, when the Internet is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a gadget
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a great opportunity for millions of content creators, bloggers, digital marketers
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
That
really
leads to a serious problem, which is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
addiction in teens.
Especially
in
Did you mean "COVID-19" or the alternative spelling "Covid-19" (= coronavirus)?
COVID 19
Pandemic, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay at home for a long time and you can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
your friends on social networks, the rate of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
who
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
is increasing
rapidly
. As a teen, I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that this is an intense worry, even for the future generations. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, any addiction is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
addiction. No one wants to
be addicted
to anything. The addiction of anything would lead to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
decline in both physical or mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, and loss of control in doing normal things. We can
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the consequences of overusing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
: Dry eye disease, myopic, presbyopia, astigmatism; headache; Scoliosis.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
don’t
really
care about those issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
how much they have damaged their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older.
In addition
, addiction to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
can cause mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues, including depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia and addictive behaviors. Studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are unable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
back on cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
usage have a higher rate of insomnia due to the blue light on not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
technology devices such as laptops, tablets
Did you just mean "," or "."?
, .
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Besides
, using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
,
especially
for social media can cause narcissism, which could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
easily
.
For example
, selling high-reactions pages or accounts is not unfamiliar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the satisfaction of being well-known on Instagram or Twitter. To sum up all of my points, I am
highly
sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
addiction is a complicated problem and should
be solved
immediately.
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IELTS essay Do you think phone addiction is a serious problem for teens?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
302 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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