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Do you approve of the education system in your country

Do you approve of the education system in your country 0wwoO
I don’t approve of our schooling structure for two major reasons. Firstly, it isn’t efficient. learning just rely on memorization and there aren’t opportunities for students to engage in hands-on experiences. also, they have to struggle with inefficient assignments in the form of written exercises. The second reason is the problem with the curriculum. The curriculum hasn't been individualized based on talent and the same courses must be taken by students. Also, this problem is associated with their future job position since their inherent talent has not been discovered. And I think the government is to blame for this problem and they should be devised a solution for the education system
I don’t approve of our schooling structure for two major reasons.
Firstly
, it isn’t efficient.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
rely on memorization and there aren’t opportunities for students to engage in hands-on experiences.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
also
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
struggle with inefficient assignments in the form of written exercises.

The second reason is the problem with the curriculum. The curriculum hasn't
been individualized
based on talent and the same courses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
by students.
Also
, this problem
is associated
with their future job position since their inherent talent has not
been discovered
. And I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is to blame for this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problem and
they should
be devised
a solution for the education
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
system
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A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay Do you approve of the education system in your country

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
110 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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