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Do you agree that the advantages cars bring outweigh the disadvantages? v.3

Do you agree that the advantages cars bring outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3
Using cars has become increasingly common in recent years. Although I think that it maintains some obvious harmful consequences, I strongly believe that the advantages of the car can outweigh its advantages. On the one hand, owning cars has a significant influence on the environment. The first reason is that the growth in travelling by car can lead to a rise in pollution, traffic jams, and accidents. More cars are likely to result in a rocketing rate of pollution. Secondly, our dependence on cars can lead to decrease in practices, such as walking and cycling. People may have a higher chance of carrying more potential health risks, like obesity and heart attack. On the other hand, there are many reasons why people prefer to own cars. Firstly, it provides people with the freedom of movement. For example, you can go from a destination to another destination and no time is wasted waiting for the bus or train. Therefore, time and distance are not barriers anymore. Secondly, personal cars can give comfort while travelling compared to the public transports which are so crowded and disgusting. For instance, you can read books, listen to your favourite songs or even play with kids while you are in your own car but all seems to be impossible on a public transport. Finally, families can go together. This becomes especially helpful when there are elderly, the disabled or even sick members in the families. In conclusion, having a car can lead to a few obvious problems, but I believe that owning a car is the best choice and the benefits that it brings about can outshine its drawbacks.
Using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
has become
increasingly
common in recent years. Although I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it maintains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious harmful consequences, I
strongly
believe that the advantages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
can outweigh its advantages.

On the one hand, owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
has a significant influence on the environment. The
first
reason is that the growth in travelling by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
can lead to a rise in pollution, traffic jams, and accidents. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
are likely to result in a rocketing rate of pollution.
Secondly
, our dependence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
can lead to decrease in practices, such as walking and cycling.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
may have a higher chance of carrying more potential health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
, like obesity and heart attack.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
.
Firstly
, it provides
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with the freedom of movement.
For example
, you can go from a destination to another destination and no time
is wasted
waiting for the bus or train.
Therefore
, time and distance are not barriers anymore.
Secondly
, personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
can give comfort while travelling compared to the public transports which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
crowded and disgusting.
For instance
, you can read books, listen to your
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
songs or even play with kids while you are in your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
all seems to be impossible on
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "public transport".
a public transport
.
Finally
, families can go together. This becomes
especially
helpful when there are elderly, the disabled or even sick members in the families.

In conclusion
, having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
can lead to a few obvious problems,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
is the best choice and the benefits that it brings about can outshine its drawbacks.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Do you agree that the advantages cars bring outweigh the disadvantages? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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