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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: “Video games offer benefits to children. ” Provide reason and examples to support your stance. v.1

: “Video games offer benefits to children. ” Provide reason and examples to support your stance. v. 1
One may say that video games offer benefits to children because games give chances to relieve stress. If children can control well themselves, video games would not be harmful for students. However, In many cases, students who lack ability of self-discipline are susceptible to side effects of video games. First and foremost, video games deteriorate children’s mind and mental health. Many video games involve violence actions which clearly are not appropriate in real worlds. However, innocent young children who do not have ability to make right decisions are likely to imitate the behaviors in video games. Three years ago, an eleven years old American boy captured by police officers while driving his parent’s car with very fast speed. He said that he got curious about driving a sport car after playing a car racing game. In fact, this is not an uncommon accident. We can easily find similar happenings conducted by children who are captivated by a violent game world. Moreover, video games do harm to children’s physical health. Childhood is a crucial period for human being to grow up with sufficient nuitrient and regular excercise. However, many video games do not require movements using their whole body, so children whose hobby is playing video games barely move. Once the young addicted to video game, they cannot but playing games spending thier entire free time, losing chances for excercise outside. Recent statistics also support this point stating that children who are addicted to video game move less as much fifty percents than those who are not. In this regard, video games impede children’s health. In conclusion, I firmly disgree with the following statement that video games offer benefits to children since video games is harmful for both mental and physical health of childrens. It would be wise for parents and instructors to not prevent children from playing video game as much as possible.
One may say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
offer benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
give chances to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can control well themselves,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
would not be harmful for students.
However
, In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases, students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
lack ability of self-discipline are susceptible to side effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
games.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
deteriorate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mind and mental health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
involve violence actions which
clearly
are not appropriate in real worlds.
However
, innocent young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not have ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
right decisions are likely to imitate the behaviors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Three years ago, an eleven years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
American boy captured by police officers while driving his parent’s car with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
speed. He said that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
curious about driving a sport car after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a car racing game. In fact, this is not an uncommon accident. We can
easily
find similar happenings conducted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are captivated
by a violent game world.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
do harm to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physical health. Childhood is a crucial period for human being to grow up with sufficient
Possible spelling mistake found.
nuitrient
and regular
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercise
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
do not require movements using their whole body,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose hobby is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
barely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
. Once the young addicted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game, they cannot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
spending
Possible spelling mistake found.
thier
entire free time, losing chances for
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercise
outside. Recent statistics
also
support this point stating that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are addicted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
less as much fifty percents than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not. In this regard,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
impede
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
Possible spelling mistake found.
disgree
with the following statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
offer benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is harmful for both mental and physical health of
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
. It would be wise for parents and instructors to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
game as much as possible.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay : “Video games offer benefits to children. ” Provide reason and examples to support your stance. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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