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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement Playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v.2

Playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v. 2
When it comes to the issue of preventing computer games for children, some people are opposing the view and others may be in favor of it. In my opinion playing computer games is a waste of time. Parents should allow them for limited time only. There are so many reasons for supporting this idea. Firstly, Technology has been changed drastically, it has many advantages and disadvantages. Nowadays most parents have one child and they are busy with their office work, house work, study, etc. So most of the parents don' t have time to spend with their children. After office hours parents might be busy with business meeting or other business. Children have adolescent mind-set like parents they also attract towards computer. But They won' t be able to understand, that parents are using technology for their work, children will play computer games. Most of children are playing a game using online method. Because they knew about their friends, and form a team to defend imaginary enemies. In a game there are a lot of task to do by a player, time consuming process. They will never understand the advantages of outdoor games such as swimming, football, baseball, etc. Outdoor games helps children to keep up physical health, team work, communication, positive thoughts. However Computer games lead to negative thoughts like defending enemies, bomb blasts, gunshots, and destroying the city. Another reason I would like to explain is that computer games cause many health problems such as eye irritation, headache, and hand pain. Nowadays, the biggest problem in the world is child obesity. The main reason behind that is sitting for hours and eating junk food to play computer games. In conclusion parents should restrict the time period, set rules for playing time and team, they can check the computer game which does not have any negative effects like killing another person, suicide, jump from balcony.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to the issue of preventing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are opposing the view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
may be in favor of it. In my opinion playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them for limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for supporting this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

Firstly
, Technology has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
drastically
, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages and disadvantages.

Nowadays most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have one
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
child and
they are busy with their office
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, study, etc.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Possible spelling mistake found.
don&
#039; t have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. After office hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
might be busy with business meeting or other business.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
have adolescent mind-set like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
they
also
attract towards computer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
They
Possible spelling mistake found.
won&
#039; t be able to understand, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are using technology for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are playing a game using online method.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they knew about their friends, and form a team to defend imaginary enemies. In a game there are
Possible agreement error. The noun task seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of tasks".
a lot of task
to do by a player,
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
process. They will never understand the advantages of outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
such as swimming, football, baseball, etc. Outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up physical health, team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, communication,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thoughts.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
Computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thoughts like defending enemies, bomb blasts, gunshots, and destroying the city.

Another reason I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
is that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems such as eye irritation, headache, and hand pain. Nowadays, the biggest problem in the world is child obesity. The main reason behind
that is
sitting for hours and eating junk food to play computer games.

In conclusion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should restrict the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period, set
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
for playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and team, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
the computer game which does not have any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects like killing another person, suicide, jump from balcony.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Playing computer games is a waste of time Children should not be allowed to play them v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
316 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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