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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office. v.471

working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office. v. 471
The question is whether working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office or not. In my perspective, it may be easy; however working at home will never have any profit for us. The most important part of working is that part which we can obtain a lot of experience from other people, because this helps us to improve our other skills. My arguments and reasons are listed below that they will strengthen my point of view: First, when you work at an office, since you can meet a lot of person whether the colleague or the client, you will have a great chance for getting familiar with them, consequently you can make new friends. As we all know, having different friends is equal with gaining different experiences and without these experiences we will not be able to boost our performance in any major in diverse sections of society. Friends are not just a way for achieving information, but they can provide delighted time for us. We can go to cinema, trip, and coffeehouse and so on with each other; as a result we will have a positive view toward life. Second, working at out can make us independent unlike working at home. For instance, my brother is a software engineer and he prefers to work at home. I think that he does not experience any hardship, because my mother provides breakfast or lunch, coffee and fruit for him and even he does not wash his dishes, and he expect us to be calm. In fact he cannot boost their performance as working under pressure or communication other people. In fact he has become to a shy person that even he would rather to buy his all clothes or other things on internet without going to out. Third, working at out can be very appealing, because there are a large number of occurrences with different people. Sometimes you have to take risk and change your work with regarding to different condition. In my vantage point, life is the short and if we do not experience these types of things, we will be a dead person. As I have illustration, I strongly would rather work in out. Working at home can have some advantages like saving money or time (instead of using taxi or bus for going to office), but also its disadvantages outweigh its advantages. If you improve your interpersonal skills, take a job in out of home.
The question is whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at home using computers or telephones is better than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in the office or not. In my perspective, it may be easy;
however
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at home will never have any profit for us. The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
is that part which we can obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. My arguments and reasons
are listed
below that they will strengthen my point of view:

First
, when you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at an office, since you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
Possible agreement error. The noun person seems to be countable; consider using: "a lot of people", "a lot of persons".
a lot of person
whether the colleague or the client, you will have a great chance for getting familiar with them,
consequently
you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends. As we all know, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
friends is equal with gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and without these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
we will not be able to boost our performance in any major in diverse sections of society. Friends are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a way for achieving information,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can provide delighted time for us. We can go to cinema, trip, and coffeehouse and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
;
as a result
we will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
view toward life.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at out can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us independent unlike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at home.
For instance
, my brother is a software
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
engineer and
he prefers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at home. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that he does not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
any hardship,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
my mother provides breakfast or lunch, coffee and fruit for him and even he does not wash his dishes, and he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "expects", "expected".
expect
us to be calm. In
The comma is probably missing here: "fact, he".
fact he
cannot boost their performance as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
under pressure or communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "fact, he".
fact he
has become to a shy person that even he would
rather
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
his all clothes or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things on internet without going to out.

Third,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at out can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
appealing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
occurrences with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
condition. In my vantage point, life is the short and if we do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
these types of things, we will be a dead person.

As I have illustration, I
strongly
would
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in out.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Working
at home can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages like saving money or time (
instead
of using taxi or bus for going to office),
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
its disadvantages outweigh its advantages. If you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
your interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, take a job in out of home.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay working at home using computers or telephones is better than working in the office. v. 471

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
413 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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