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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology makes kids less creative than in the past. v.319

Technology makes kids less creative than in the past. v. 319
There is no doubt children being exposed to more violence in recent years through television. Some people believe this will have negative effects on young minds, others argue against it. I completely agree that watching action movies, or similar TV, will impact children adversely. Movies, such as Die Hard, X-Men, are acceptable in today's society. Even film rating agencies tend to rate them at a PG-12 level. This provides validity and creates a sense of normalcy in parents' minds. However, in reality, young adults mimic their favourite characters in their real life. In a recent survey, many students selected action superhero, when asked about what they want to be when they grow old. This clearly shows that reality is being distorted by these action movies, which could lead to detrimental effect on society as a whole. In addition, 24/7 news channels opt to prioritize negative stories over positive ones. A research conducted by the Bombay University shows, 91% of coverage revolves around negative events and 72% of airtime devoted to stories that involves murder, kidnaping, or attacks. This will skew the perception in developing brains towards violence being normal in everyday life. While in reality, data suggest that we are living in the most peaceful time in all of human history and these acts of threats are rare and occasional. In conclusion, this essay argued, movies and news on television tend to disproportionately allot airtime to telecast negative coverage. In my opinion, being surrounded by negative information, will adversely impact a child's development.
There is no doubt children
being exposed
to more violence in recent years through television.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe this will have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on young minds, others argue against it. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that watching action movies, or similar TV, will impact children
adversely
.

Movies, such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Die
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Hard
, X-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Men
, are acceptable in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society. Even film rating agencies tend to rate them at a PG-12 level. This provides validity and creates a sense of normalcy in parents' minds.
However
, in reality, young adults mimic their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
characters in their real life. In a recent survey,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students selected action superhero, when asked about what they want to be when they grow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. This
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that reality is
being distorted
by these action movies, which could lead to detrimental effect on society as a whole.

In addition
, 24/7 news channels opt to prioritize
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
stories over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
conducted by the Bombay University
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, 91% of coverage revolves around
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and 72% of airtime devoted to stories that involves murder,
Possible spelling mistake found.
kidnaping
, or attacks. This will skew the perception in developing brains towards violence being normal in everyday life. While in reality, data suggest that we are living in the most peaceful time in all of human history and these acts of threats are rare and occasional.

In conclusion
, this essay argued, movies and news on television tend to
disproportionately
allot airtime to telecast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
coverage. In my opinion,
being surrounded
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
information, will
adversely
impact a child's development.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Technology makes kids less creative than in the past. v. 319

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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