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do you agree or disagree/ In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v.2

/ In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v. 2
Childhood is a very important part in our lives. Through this stage, we learned a lot of things that related to our personalities, and our future. In this stage, we learned how to be responsible person and one thing that we have to learn is how to manage our own money. Some people would agree that it is not necessary to learn children how to manage their own money in a young age since they have concentrate on enjoyment. Others disagree. In my view, In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age for two imperative reasons. First, at young age, people would learn more effectively. In fact, this is the best age that children could absorb a lot of things that would support them in the future and they can adopt many useful things. Take my daughter as an example, she was five years old, and I taught her how distingush between her needs and her demands. When she was a kid, we went shopping and she wanted to buy colors that she already had. In fact, I persaueded her to focus on things that really and they essential for her. At first, she was not convinced about that but I explained to her how this will affect her budget positively now and in the future and she accepted the idea. Actually, she realized this would an effective way to be responsible. Now, she is studying at college and she knew how to manage her budget in the school and she happy because she had learn how to manage her money when she was young. This experience taught me that kids should learn to manage their own currency in a young age which is extremely beneficial for the future. Second, collecting money in early age in our life will help us to have a good habit. In order to create a good behavior in children, parents should modify their children behavior in an effecient way to endorse them in the work, family, and school. For instance, my brother is spoiled and he gets money from my parents. Actually, he takes from them what he wants and he doesn' t know how to collect and save money. Because of my parents, he doesn' t care to plan of the future and he wastes his money by buying a lot of things. However, I learned myself to save money when I was ten years old and this provided me with extra money because I learned how to manage my own money. When I graduated from the school, I was able to open my business and then I bought a house because I managed my money effectively. As we can clearly see, shildren should take this advantage to thrive in the world. By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I firmly concur that children should learn to manage their own money at a young age in order to become financially responsible adults. Managing money is worthwhile and specious.
Childhood is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Through this stage, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learned
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things that related to our personalities, and our
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future
. In this stage, we
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learned
how to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
person and one thing that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
is how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is not necessary to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in a
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
since they have concentrate on enjoyment. Others disagree. In my view, In order to become
financially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
adults,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at a
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for two imperative reasons.

First
, at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
more
effectively
. In fact, this is the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could absorb
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things that would support them in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they can adopt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
useful things. Take my daughter as an example, she was five years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and I taught her how
Possible spelling mistake found.
distingush
between her needs and her demands. When she was a kid, we went
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
shopping and
she wanted to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
colors that she already had. In fact, I
Possible spelling mistake found.
persaueded
her to focus on things that
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
really and
they essential for her. At
first
, she was not convinced about that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
to her how this will affect her budget
positively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Actually, she realized this would an effective way to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, she is studying at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
college and
she knew how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
her budget in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
school and
It seems that a verb is missing after "she". Please verify.
she
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she had
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "learned", "learnt".
learn
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when she was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
. This experience taught me that kids should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
currency in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
which is
extremely
beneficial for the future.

Second, collecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in our life will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us to have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habit. In order to create a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
behavior in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, parents should modify their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behavior in an
Possible spelling mistake found.
effecient
way to endorse them in the work, family, and school.
For instance
, my brother is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
spoiled and
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from my parents. Actually, he takes from them what he
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
wants and
he
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t know how to collect and save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of my parents, he
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t care to plan of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
he wastes his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
by buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learned
myself to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when I was ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and this provided me with extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learned
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. When I graduated from the school, I was able to open my business and then I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I managed my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
effectively
. As we can
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
shildren
should take this advantage to thrive in the world.

By the way of conclusion, based on the arguments explored above, I
firmly
concur that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manage
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in order to become
financially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
adults. Managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is worthwhile and specious.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
60Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
17Mistakes

IELTS essay / In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
510 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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