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Do you agree or disagree? The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v.203

The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 203
As everything in life is like a coin that has two different sides, people must weigh the pros and cons before jumping to conclusions. After all, each and every question or topic requires careful deliberation in that there are always multiple variables to a truth. In my humble opinion, I strongly disagree that the rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict for the following reason. The first and exquisite reason that makes me hold this belief is that even though country decided to follow strict rules, there are plenty of crime, violence and terrorism are held in this day and age. For instance, in my country has powerful law and penalty is extremely high. However, five children died due to the accident on the average. Another reason deserving some words here is we are living an open democratic society. Therefore, at least rules have to be strict so that people will not do everything they want such as disruption of rights of others and we can make a piece. To illustrate more thoroughly, my brother was fond of insulting people without hesitation. Hence, we are constantly quarrel with each other. One day my mother set up a family law such as no more briol, respecting and lend in a ear to each other. After that, our bond became more strong and my family started to live peacefully. Finally yet importantly, if there was not rigorous guideline, people began to do something illegal. For instance, Mongolia has deficient drug law system, so that there are large number of people handling weed without any shadows of doubt. In a nutshell, obey has to be strict so that we can create peace environment and live happily.
As everything in life is like a coin that has two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sides,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
weigh the pros and cons
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
jumping to conclusions.
After all
, each and every question or topic requires careful deliberation in that there are always multiple variables to a truth. In my humble opinion, I
strongly
disagree that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
that societies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to follow and obey are too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
for the following reason.

The
first
and exquisite reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me hold this belief is that
even though
country decided to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of crime, violence and terrorism
are held
in this day and age.
For instance
, in my country has powerful law and penalty is
extremely
high.
However
, five children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
due to the accident on the average.

Another reason deserving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
words here is we are living an open democratic society.
Therefore
, at least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not do everything they want such as disruption of rights of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
others and
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a piece. To illustrate more
thoroughly
, my brother was fond of insulting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
without hesitation.
Hence
, we are
constantly
Consider using a past participle here: "quarreled", "quarrelled".
quarrel
with each other. One day my mother set up a family law such as no more
Possible spelling mistake found.
briol
, respecting and lend in
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
ear to each other. After that, our bond became more strong and my family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
peacefully
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
yet
importantly
, if there was not rigorous guideline,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
began to do something illegal.
For instance
, Mongolia has deficient drug law system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there are large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
handling weed without any shadows of doubt.

In a nutshell, obey
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we can create peace environment and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happily
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict. v. 203

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
290 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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