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Diagram that explains carbonated drinks process

Diagram that explains carbonated drinks process RVDNM
The diagram explains the production of carbonated drinks. It can be observable that it has five stages that initiate with water cleaning and finished by packaging. To begin with, in the first step, the raw water is been cleaned by filters, chemicals and softeners. After that, it is pumped to the electric heaters. In favour of cooling pipes, this mechanism makes the cleaned ingredient vaporized and carbonated. Moreover, there comes the third level. The product is mixed with the syrup, colour and flavour. It is an important step due to the fact that it gives all the characteristics to the drink. Finally, passing through the filters, some of the beverages are filled into bottles and other ones into cans. Lastly, all the drinks have been packed and ready to send to supermarkets. To sum up, starting with a journey with unprocessed water and make it a supermarket product is not simple, owing to the fact that there is a huge mechanism behind it that has filters, tanks, heaters and so on. In the end, people are enjoying their drinks without thinking of this enormous production.
The diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
the production of carbonated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
. It can be observable that it has five stages that initiate with water cleaning and finished by packaging.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the
first
step, the raw water
is been
cleaned by filters, chemicals and softeners. After that, it
is pumped
to the electric heaters. In
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of cooling pipes, this mechanism
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the cleaned ingredient vaporized and carbonated.

Moreover
, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
the third level. The product
is mixed
with the syrup,
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'flavour' is British English.
flavour
. It is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
step due to the fact that it gives all the characteristics to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drink
.
Finally
, passing through the filters,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
beverages
are filled
into bottles and other ones into cans.
Lastly
, all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
have
been packed
and ready to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
to supermarkets.

To sum up, starting with a journey with unprocessed water and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it a supermarket product is not simple, owing to the fact that there is a huge mechanism behind it that has filters, tanks, heaters and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are enjoying their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drinks
without thinking of this enormous production.
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IELTS essay Diagram that explains carbonated drinks process

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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