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Developing countries like Bangladesh should concentrate more on industrial development, instead of agriculture, to achieve better development. v.1

Developing countries like Bangladesh should concentrate more on industrial development, instead of agriculture, to achieve better development. v. 1
Developing countries have a great potential to accelerate its progress and they want to achieve it faster. Though there is no hard and fast rule that a country can develop if it focuses on expanding industries rather than agriculture, I personally believe that a developing country like Bangladesh should have a well-conceived industrialisation strategy like India, China or Hong Kong to become a developed country. Agriculture, without any doubt, is an important sector for a country like Bangladesh where more than 70% people rely on this sector. However, it is undeniable that along the agriculture, especially in this era of the digital world, cannot enlist a country as an advanced nation. The industrial revolution in the world has taught us that manual labour and agricultural products cannot alone improve the economic condition of a nation overnight. A country must have export oriented industry or great industrial hub point to progress and compete with the rich nations. For instance, a poor country has to export several thousand tonnes of grains to import only a few number of machinery. This disparity will keep on enhancing if the nation cannot become industrially sufficient. Asian economy has already shifted from farming and fishing to industrialisation and no developing country can further progress without following the same pathway here. Industrialisation is the key to progress and countries like Japan, China, Hong Kong, Korea, Singapore and many more have gained quick success by industrialisation. While agricultural development should not be ignored, especially in countries like Bangladesh, industrialisation should get more priority. Diversifying the agricultural products and exports is a great power for an agricultural-based country, but this takes a long way to reach the top and with the revolution and rapid expansion of the industrial world, this has become quite challenging, in a practical world. To conclude, an agriculture-dependent country like Bangladesh should try to diversify its agricultural sector for becoming self-sufficient on their food supply but must have a long-term industrial strategy to develop further.
Developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have a great potential to accelerate its
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
progress and
they want to achieve it faster. Though there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can develop if it focuses on expanding industries
rather
than agriculture, I
personally
believe that a developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
like Bangladesh should have a well-conceived
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
strategy like India, China or Hong Kong to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed country
.

Agriculture, without any doubt, is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sector for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
like Bangladesh where more than 70%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
rely on this sector.
However
, it is undeniable that along the agriculture,
especially
in this era of the digital world, cannot enlist a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
as an advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
revolution in the world has taught us that manual
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
products cannot alone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the economic condition of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
overnight. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have export oriented industry or great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
hub point to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
progress
and compete with the rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
.
For instance
, a poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
export several thousand tonnes of grains to import
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
Possible agreement error. The noun number seems to be countable; consider using: "few numbers".
few number
of machinery. This disparity will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on enhancing if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
cannot become
industrially
sufficient. Asian economy has already shifted from farming and fishing to
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
and no developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
can
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
progress
without following the same pathway here.
Possible spelling mistake. 'Industrialisation' is British English.
Industrialisation
is the key to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
progress
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Japan, China, Hong Kong, Korea, Singapore and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more have gained quick success by
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
.

While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
development should not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
,
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like Bangladesh,
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more priority. Diversifying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
products and exports is a great power for an agricultural-based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this takes a long way to reach the top and with the revolution and rapid expansion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
world, this has become quite challenging, in a practical world.

To conclude
, an agriculture-dependent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
like Bangladesh should try to diversify its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
agricultural
sector for becoming self-sufficient on their food supply
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industrial
strategy to develop
further
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Developing countries like Bangladesh should concentrate more on industrial development, instead of agriculture, to achieve better development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
330 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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