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Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. v. 1
Developed nations should take more asylum seekers who are displaced from their countries due to adverse conditions and give them all the fundamental necessities. In my opinion, I totally agree with this statement due to it is a moral obligation and opulent countries have enough resources to sustain poor shelterless people. Every country has a moral reason to support refugees who are coming from lands which are destroyed by natural calamities and war like situations. Nobody wants to leave their home unless it is indispensable to do so and if these countries refuse to support them, they will certainly either be in danger of losing their lives because of starvation or step into crime world and become rebellion. For example, Syrian have extremely poor condition with no food and continuously surrounded with war environment and hence millions of them have tried to flee their countries with or without their families in the search of safe future for themselves. Thus this is evident that by accepting them these nations can make the world a more peaceful place to live in. Affluent countries have stable economies and infrastructure that can accommodate many other individuals. This is to say because these countries have low population, therefore they can easily accept innumerable refugees. Apart from that they have huge budget which are collected in the form of taxes from their citizens and indigenous companies. For instance, the estimated GDP of European Union is over $25 trillion and all Syrian refugees could be resettled for a less than a billion dollars. Therefore, these countries can provide refugees the basic amenities like food, shelter and clothes and can also run myriad refugee assistance programs to help them to find a suitable job for their sustenance. In conclusion, the third world countries has the onus to provide refugees the comfortable environment because of humanitarian obligation and to rehabilitate them because they can afford it easily
Developed nations should take more asylum seekers who
are displaced
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
due to adverse conditions and give them all the fundamental necessities. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement due to it is a moral obligation and opulent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
resources to sustain poor
Possible spelling mistake found.
shelterless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has a moral reason to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
who are coming from lands which are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
by natural calamities and war like situations. Nobody wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their home unless it is indispensable to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
and if these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
refuse to support them, they will
certainly
either be in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of losing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of starvation or step into crime world and become rebellion.
For example
, Syrian have
extremely
poor condition with no food and
continuously
surrounded with war environment and
hence
millions of them have tried to flee their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
with or without their families in the search of safe future for themselves.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
this is evident that by accepting them these nations can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world a more peaceful place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.

Affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have stable economies and infrastructure that can accommodate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other individuals. This is to say
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have low population,
therefore
they can
easily
accept innumerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
. Apart from that they have huge budget which
are collected
in the form of taxes from their citizens and indigenous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
For instance
, the estimated GDP of European Union is over $25 trillion and all Syrian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
could
be resettled
for a less than a billion dollars.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
the basic amenities like food, shelter and clothes and can
also
run myriad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugee
assistance programs to
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "help them find"?
help them to find
a suitable job for their sustenance.

In conclusion
, the third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
has the onus to provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
refugees
the comfortable environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of humanitarian obligation and to rehabilitate them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can afford it
easily
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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