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Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. v. 2
In current times, in most of the countries the percentage of young people is bigger in contrast with the proportion of elderly people. In my opinion, the benefits of this condition are more than the disadvantages. One of the most significant advantages is that the young people are more productive, and they have more energy to do things about the improvement of their nations. Therefore, young adults want to work more and be more concentrated on their job, which is what all countries need to enhance the economy and create access to a faster development. A several opportunities can create from these and many people, young or old, can gain from this. Moreover, young adults can change the ideas of some nations with their beliefs and knowledge. For example, in Africa, if this new generation adapted their knowledge in the whole continent a lot of things can change like the attitude to women or the equal rights. On the other hand, there are disadvantages regarding having a bigger number of young people. Firstly, we will lose a lot of traditional things such as the food or habits they used to have our ancestors. For example, there are many important principles that are going to be lost, such as the fact that the child receives the father's surname. Secondly, based on the economy there are not enough jobs to cover all these young people who are capable and want to find something that is suited to them or can contribute according to their knowledge. To conclude, the advantages of this are more and this is very useful for the world because of all the problems that we have. I believe that if we handle this in a right way and take advantage of this many countries can change to a better.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
times, in most of the countries the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is bigger
in contrast
with the proportion of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In my opinion, the benefits of this condition are more than the disadvantages.

One of the most significant advantages is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more productive, and they have more energy to do things about the improvement of their nations.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults want to work more and be more concentrated on their job, which is what all countries need to enhance the economy and create access to a faster development. A several
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "opportunity"?
opportunities
can create from these and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, can gain from this.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations with their beliefs and knowledge.
For example
, in Africa, if this new generation adapted their knowledge in the whole continent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
like the attitude to women or the equal rights.

On the other hand
, there are disadvantages regarding having a bigger number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, we will lose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
traditional things such as the food or habits they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to have our ancestors.
For example
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
principles that are going to
be lost
, such as the fact that the child receives the father's surname.
Secondly
, based on the economy there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
jobs to cover all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are capable and want to find something that
is suited
to them or can contribute according to their knowledge.

To conclude
, the advantages of this are more and this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of all the problems that we have. I believe that if we handle this
Consider replacing "in a right way" with the adverb for "right"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a right way
and take advantage of this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
to a better.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Developed countries should take more refugees from poorer countries. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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