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Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v.15

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 15
These days, a lot of gym sectors in every place of the world. However, people are following the opposites and a dangerous lifestyle is increasing. Obesity and other health problems are connected with this whereas a number of solutions as well. On the one hand, two major problems of not sedentary lifestyle are obesity and health issues, obesity or weight rate of people is progressing, which is a negative news for everyone and it is the main cause of every large health damages. For example, my cousin Shakib facing diabetes, likewise problem because he do not go to the gym for workout and as a result, his weight increased rapidly, which is overrated. Another issue to add is Shyness. Therefore, people who don't go to the gym is always look unfit and Moreover, people not attracted to those unfitted persons and they feel shy. For instance, my relative Fahim has always felt shy because of his fat body and that is the result of don't go to the gym. On the other hand, two significance solutions of these problems are high tax on junk foods as well as working places rules for the workout. Furthermore, if the government increases the tax on junk foods, people will leave this for forever. Another solution is working places should build a rule for the workout that everyone has to do the gym one day per week, then the employers will easily join the gym. For example, my father has now always goes to the gym because of the rule of his office. In conclusion, in the ordinary world, the rate of sedentary life rules is becoming famous, although a huge number of gyms are available. Besides, a lot of problems are building and high tax rate on junk foods as well as workplace rules are the solutions of these.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
sectors in every place of the world.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are following the opposites and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
lifestyle is increasing. Obesity and other health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are connected
with this whereas a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
as well
.

On the one hand, two major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of not sedentary lifestyle are obesity and health issues, obesity or weight rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is progressing, which is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
news for everyone and it is the main cause of every large health damages.
For example
, my cousin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shakib
facing diabetes,
likewise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "does", "did".
do
not go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
for workout and
as a result
, his weight increased
rapidly
, which
is overrated
. Another issue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
is Shyness.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who don't go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
is always
Consider using a past participle here: "looked".
look
unfit and
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
not attracted to those unfitted
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
persons and
they feel shy.
For instance
, my relative
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fahim
has always felt shy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
body and
that is
the result of don't go to the gym.

On the other hand
, two significance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are high tax on junk foods
as well
as working places
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
for the workout.
Furthermore
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
increases the tax on junk foods,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
this for forever. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is working places should build a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rule
for the workout that everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
one day per week, then the employers will
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
.
For example
, my father has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
always goes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rule
of his office.

In conclusion
, in the ordinary world, the rate of sedentary life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
is becoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, although a huge number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gyms
are available.
Besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are building and high tax rate on junk foods
as well
as workplace
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
of these.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 15

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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