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Describe the steps, through which you once learned a new thing and explain how you learned it. Include details and examples in your response. v.1

Describe the steps, through which you once learned a new thing and explain how you learned it. Include details and examples in your response. v. 1
In the digital age, people are becoming famous easily with the assistance of the internet and television. From my point of view, this phenomenon has both upside and downside but it is likely to cause more negative consequence than positive ones. Admittedly, being famous could bring numerous fancy things such as admiration, money, expensive lifestyle and powerful to individuals. Firstly, a popular personality will have a fan – base (the fans of a singer, group, or team considered as a group) that are willing to share the same happiness and sadness with his or her. Obviously, the greatest advantage of being a celebrity is being a wealthy person. Money assists famous people in living in beautiful mansions or houses with servants and buying everything they want. Moreover, celebrities could receive special treatment everywhere they go such as special tables at restaurants, special seats at theaters, or others. On the contrary, the famous is not as gorgeous as which in people’s imagination. Obviously, celebrities will have no privacy; for example, every detail about them, their family or their love life could be the talk of the town. In addition, famous people could be followed by a stalker who will follow them, bother them, or break into their house. Furthermore, celebrities always have to behave perfectly and if they make a small mistake, they will be judged and criticized by abundant of person. This situation could put them at risk of pressure and have a mental illness. All things considered, fame is not fabulous and people have to trade plentiful things to be famous. Therefore, it is better to be the average person because fame could cause negative consequence.
In the digital age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
easily
with the assistance of the internet and television. From my point of view, this phenomenon has both upside and downside
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is likely to cause more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
The usual preposition to use after "consequence" is not "than". Did you mean "consequence of", "consequence for", or "consequence on"?
consequence than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.

Admittedly
, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
could bring numerous fancy things such as admiration, money, expensive lifestyle and powerful to individuals.
Firstly
, a popular personality will have a fan
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
base (the fans of a singer, group, or team considered as a group) that are willing to share the same happiness and sadness with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
.
Obviously
, the greatest advantage of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
is being a wealthy person. Money assists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in living in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
mansions or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
with servants and buying everything they want.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
could receive special treatment everywhere they go such as special tables at restaurants, special seats at theaters, or others.

On the contrary
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
is not as gorgeous as which in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
imagination.
Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
will have no privacy;
for example
, every detail about them, their family or their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
life could be the talk of the town.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could
be followed
by a stalker who will follow them, bother them, or break into their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
behave
perfectly
and if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
mistake, they will
be judged
and criticized by abundant of person. This situation could put them at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of pressure and have a mental illness.

All things considered, fame is not fabulous and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
trade plentiful things to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
.
Therefore
, it is better to be the average person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
fame could cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Describe the steps, through which you once learned a new thing and explain how you learned it. Include details and examples in your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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