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Describe the differences between two cities that you have visited before. Give details and examples to support your response. v.1

Describe the differences between two cities that you have visited before. Give details and examples to support your response. v. 1
It is commonly observed that people leaving school without completing the education are more progressed instead of those who complete their studies, before starting a job or business. In my opinion, the reason of success of such people is the reach experience they gain at a young age and their passion for work. I consider that hard work and dedication to work is necessary to achieve success. People who do not complete their academic education are usually more successful as compared to others owing to early identification of their zeal. In other words, most teenagers leave school when they get to know that some work interest them more than studies. Therefore, they start following that passion, leaving the study in between. As a result of working at a young age, they gain rich experience in their field until other youths enter that business. For instance, actors who start working in films at a young age are usually much more trained in acting field and they become famous before even entering adulthood. Additionally, following their passion make them do great things in their endeavours, which also act as an added advantage towards their success. It is believed by many people that hard work and dedication are key to success. Usually, people who do jobs just to make earnings do not put their hundred percent into it. Mostly, people who are not satisfied with their work type do not show the much-needed dedication towards completing their duties. As a result, these people lack behind in career as well as in business. Therefore, hardworking employees often step up the success ladder faster in comparison to those who comes to office just to get salary at the end of the month. In conclusion, people should be more focused and passionate towards their work if they want to become a successful business tycoon or achieve great height in career.
It is
commonly
observed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
leaving school without completing the education are more progressed
instead
of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
complete their studies,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
starting a job or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. In my opinion, the reason of success of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is the reach experience they gain at a young age and their passion for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. I consider that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and dedication to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is necessary to achieve success.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not complete their academic education are
usually
more successful as compared to others owing to early identification of their zeal.
In other words
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
school when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to know that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
interest them more than studies.
Therefore
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
following that passion, leaving the study in between.
As a result
of working at a young age, they gain rich experience in their field until other youths enter that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
For instance
, actors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working in films at a young age are
usually
much more trained in acting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
field and
they become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
even entering adulthood.
Additionally
, following their passion
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them do great things in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavours' is British English.
endeavours
, which
also
act as an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
advantage towards their success.

It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and dedication are key to success.
Usually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
earnings do not put their hundred percent into it.
Mostly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are not satisfied with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
type do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the much-needed dedication towards completing their duties.
As a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lack behind in career
as well
as in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
.
Therefore
, hardworking employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
step up the success ladder faster
in comparison
to those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to office
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
salary at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the month.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be more focused and passionate towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
if they want to become a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
tycoon or achieve great height in career.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Describe the differences between two cities that you have visited before. Give details and examples to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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