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Describe a work of art(painting/play/sculpture/novel/movie or any other work of art) that has changed your attitude towards life. v.1

Describe a work of art(painting/play/sculpture/novel/movie or any other work of art) that has changed your attitude towards life. v. 1
Nowadays, safety represents the main concern for many people worldwide and for that reason, many cities have installed monitoring Cameras everywhere in order to reduce crime. However, this is a very controversial issue because some people think the cameras are the best solution, whereas others believe that they threaten our privacy. In my opinion, the advantages of this new system outweigh the disadvantages due to the following reasons: Firstly, monitoring cameras, or CCTV cameras, are admitted to be efficient enough to reduce several crimes, for example: shoplifting, and what supports this is that in China for instance, the average rate of kidnapping was very high. Since establishing this kind of security, it has declined dramatically. So Chinese People owe a lot to this system. Secondly, the claim of that these cameras threatens our privacy is not persuasive. Personally, I cannot understand what kind of privacy people are looking for in public places. As long as those devices are used to protect us, they are very necessary. Also, let us suspect that they are not safe in terms of privacy, then I prefer to be safe from kidnapping or murdering to preserve my my own privacy. At least, I can still alive! To Sum up, there have been a lot of hustle and bustle about this topic. Nevertheless, I believe that this system is so essential to ensure the safety of people, regardless some insignificant cons, which, I think, they can be addressed if the governments controlled the spread of these cameras. In other words, if they confirmed that cameras cannot get into the wrong hands. In this way, we can prevent crimes and ensure that there is nobody spying on our people.
Nowadays, safety represents the main concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worldwide and for that reason,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cities have installed monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cameras
everywhere in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
crime.
However
, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
controversial issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
are the best solution, whereas others believe that they threaten our privacy. In my opinion, the advantages of this new system outweigh the disadvantages due to the following reasons:

Firstly
, monitoring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
, or CCTV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
,
are admitted
to be efficient
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
several crimes,
for example
: shoplifting, and what supports this is that in China
for instance
, the average rate of kidnapping was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high. Since establishing this kind of security, it has declined
dramatically
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
Chinese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
owe a lot to this system.

Secondly
, the claim of that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
threatens our privacy is not persuasive.
Personally
, I cannot understand what kind of privacy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are looking for in public places. As long as those devices are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to protect us, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
necessary.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us suspect that they are not safe in terms of privacy, then I prefer to be safe from kidnapping or murdering to preserve
Possible typo: you repeated a word
my my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
privacy. At least, I can
still
alive!

To Sum up, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hustle and bustle about this topic.
Nevertheless
, I believe that this system is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
essential to ensure the safety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, regardless
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
insignificant cons, which, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, they can
be addressed
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
controlled the spread of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
.
In other words
, if they confirmed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
hands. In this way, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
crimes and ensure that there is nobody spying on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Describe a work of art(painting/play/sculpture/novel/movie or any other work of art) that has changed your attitude towards life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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