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The table shows the Proportions of Pupils Attending Four Secondary School Types between 2000 and 2009 v.1

The table shows the Proportions of Pupils Attending Four Secondary School Types between 2000 and 2009 v. 1
Women are considered as an important part of our society. Many think that they should be given equal opportunities in the defence system. However, many believe that women cannot perform well in these departments. In my opinion, women must be offered equal opportunities in every organization. The jobs in military and police departments are highly demanding. The prerequisites of these roles are physical strength. Owing to limited physical abilities, females are not suitable for an equal role in this system. Moreover, females tend to be soft hearted and kind. They cannot tolerate the scary scenes of the battlefield. The presence of excessive sympathy in them will deter them to punish the criminals. Therefore, lack of physical strength and sympathized heart are the reasons women should not be offered jobs in the police or military. The female gender possesses the qualities of multi tasking and intelligence. Due to these qualities they can perform better as compared to the opposite gender. In addition, in certain societies, it is prohibited for men to touch female offenders. To illustrate, Iran offers many post in police departments to women because in their culture women criminals must be arrested by similar gender. Hence, the demand of specific gender and intelligence are the factors which compel everyone to enrol women in the defence organizations. To conclude, it is believed by many that women must be enrolled in military or police organizations equal to men, while others disagree with this statement. In my view, women must play equal role in every department.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
are considered
as an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
opportunities in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
system.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
cannot perform well in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
departments
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be offered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
opportunities in every organization.

The jobs in military and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
departments
are
highly
demanding. The prerequisites of these roles are physical strength. Owing to limited physical abilities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are not suitable for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
role in this system.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
tend to be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
soft hearted
and kind. They cannot tolerate the scary scenes of the battlefield. The presence of excessive sympathy in them will deter them to punish the criminals.
Therefore
, lack of physical strength and sympathized heart are the reasons
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should not
be offered
jobs in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
or military.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
gender possesses the qualities of multi tasking and intelligence. Due to these qualities they can perform better as compared to the opposite gender.
In addition
, in certain societies, it
is prohibited
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
to touch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
offenders. To illustrate, Iran offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
post in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
departments
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in their culture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
criminals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be arrested
by similar gender.
Hence
, the demand of specific gender and intelligence are the factors which compel everyone to enrol
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
organizations.

To conclude
, it
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be enrolled
in military or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
police
organizations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, while others disagree with this statement. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
role in every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
department
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The table shows the Proportions of Pupils Attending Four Secondary School Types between 2000 and 2009 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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