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Describe a time outside of school in the past two years when you could not do something that you really wanted to do. What did you do? What did you learn?

Describe a time outside of school in the past two years when you could not do something that you really wanted to do. What did you do? What did you learn? rao0k
If I start to remember what I wanted to do after school, then there will obviously be a big list. When I was supposed to learn English or go to the cinema with friends I always was allowed, consequently, there was almost no situation like me that was not allowed to do something However, when I really wanted to study SMM courses after school my parents were against my decision, because job such as SMM was not widespread in our country. In spite of my parents were against I was sure that this job would give me financial freedom, new emotions and a cool job also after I set a target I always try to achieve it. These reasons were enough to borrow money for education from my older brother due to my parents rejected me. As a result my brother gave me money as long as I give him his money in 2 month. I agreed and started to learning this work. Everything was great but I was tired after each lesson since I went to the learning center after school but not only this was difficult but to make justifies were also difficult. Therefore, when I finished learning, I took immediately 2 projects. At the beginning I was surprised because I did not expect that I will have a job so fast. When I closed all projects, I gave all money, which I borrowed, to my brother not in 2 months but in 1 month and 10 days. I was so happy due to firstly I achieved my goal also I proved to my parents that I can do everything. In conclusion, I would like to say that despite everybody refuse to you must go only forward.
If I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to remember what I wanted to do after school, then there will
obviously
be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
list. When I
was supposed
to learn English or go to the cinema with friends I
The adverb 'always' is usually put after the verb 'was'.
always was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
,
consequently
, there was almost no situation like me that was not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to do
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
something


However
, when I
really
wanted to study SMM courses after school my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were against my decision,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
such as SMM was not widespread in our country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were against I was sure that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
would give me financial freedom, new emotions and a cool
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
also
after I set a target I always try to achieve it. These reasons were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to borrow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for education from my older brother due to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
rejected me.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result my brother gave me
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as long as I give him his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in 2
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to learning this work.

Everything was great
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I
was tired
after each lesson since I went to the learning center after school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this was difficult
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
justifies were
also
difficult.
Therefore
, when I finished learning, I took immediately 2 projects. At the beginning I
was surprised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
that I will have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
. When I closed all projects, I gave all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, which I borrowed, to my brother not in 2 months
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 1 month and 10 days. I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
happy due to
firstly
I achieved my goal
also
I proved to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that I can do everything.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that despite everybody refuse to you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
go
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
forward.
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IELTS essay Describe a time outside of school in the past two years when you could not do something that you really wanted to do. What did you do? What did you learn?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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