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Describe a person that you admire

Describe a person that you admire 6d0KK
One of the person that I would like to talk about it is who that was living in the eighteenth of century who called Thomas Alva Edison, he was one of the greatest inventors with more than 1000 inventions. I personally like him because of his determinations and during his time there was not enough equipments and scientists had limited. One the other hand, before there was not calculator or computer and he found light bulb and still people are using that. However, in my opinion the scientist are the most important factor for each society and we can learn by search a lot of things from them, it has been seen some scientist during their life had very low equipments but they helped the people and never gave up.
One of the person that I would like to talk about it is who that was living in the eighteenth of century who called Thomas Alva Edison, he was one of the greatest inventors with more than 1000 inventions. I
personally
like him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of his determinations and during his time there was not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
equipments and scientists had limited.
Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
there was not calculator or
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
computer and
he found light bulb and
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are using that.
However
, in my opinion the scientist are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor for each
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
we can learn by search
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things from them, it has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
scientist during their life had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
low equipments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and never gave up.

IELTS essay Describe a person that you admire

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
130 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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