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Describe a journey you made in past

Describe a journey you made in past AJXge
I remember my first university trip that happened in my early days. We went to Tehran to visit the annual book exhibition, and the university provided train tickets for us because It was the safest and cheapest way. I was with my classmates and university friends. Apart from visiting the book exhibition, we went to some tourist places in the city like Milad tower. Also, I became familiar with lots of my classmates, and we created closer relationships with each other. Unfortunately, we had a limited time, and couldn't stay more and visit more places. The trip was a new and exciting experience for me because it was my first trip with classmates.
I remember my
first
university trip that happened in my early days. We went to Tehran to visit the annual book exhibition, and the university provided train tickets for us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
It was the safest and cheapest way. I was with my classmates and university friends.

Apart from visiting the book exhibition, we went to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tourist places in the city like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Milad
tower.
Also
, I became familiar with lots of my classmates, and we created closer relationships with each other.

Unfortunately, we had a limited time, and couldn't stay more and visit more places.

The trip was a new and exciting experience for me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it was my
first
trip with classmates.
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IELTS essay Describe a journey you made in past

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
113 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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