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Describe a festival in your country; you should say, what it is, when, what is its significance, what do you do during it. v.1

Describe a festival in your country; you should say, what it is, when, what is its significance, what do you do during it. v. 1
It is true that there has been a significant decline in the attention span of students at school. While this phenomenon can be explained by two main reasons, I believe several remedies can help to tackle this problem. The decrease of students’ ability to focus in class can be accounted for two primary reasons. Firstly, the appearance of high-tech gadgets such as smartphones, tablets, etc. Play a major role in distracting students from studying. Apparently, such entertainment tools are so exhilarating as they frequently update puzzles, missions and give rewards to keep children playing. As a result, many youngsters become addicted to those electronic devices and refuse to engage in any educational activity at school. Secondly, conventional teaching methods might not meet students’ needs which make them want to focus less. Strict rules, dry lessons and pressure of achieving excellent results at school seem to urge children to quit studying. Furthermore, if a youngster is a student with attention deficit disorder, traditional methods will make the situation worse. The issue that mentioned above needs to be handled properly by several solutions. First of all, schools and parents must support each other to force children to quit the habit of using high-tech gadgets all the time. Schools should impose a policy restricting students from using electronic devices in class, whereas parents can limit youngsters’ hours for watching TV and using a computer at home. Secondly, schools should consider changing the teaching methods as well as the examination system. For example, eliminating outdated technology and adopt the up-to-date one is one of many helpful options that could encourage students to conduct research using electronic gadgets. Finally, with the students with mental disorders, providing special care and applying some other particularly suitable methods are certainly better than forcing every child to improve at the same pace. In conclusion, there are two main reasons that explain why students find it hard to focus at school and if immediate actions are taken by both parents and schools, this issue would be resolved properly.
It is true that there has been a significant decline in the attention span of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. While this phenomenon can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by two main reasons, I believe several remedies can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to tackle this problem.

The decrease of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
ability to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "focus".
focus in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can
be accounted
for two primary reasons.
Firstly
, the appearance of high-tech gadgets such as smartphones, tablets, etc. Play a major role in distracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from studying.
Apparently
, such entertainment tools are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
exhilarating as they
frequently
update puzzles, missions and give rewards to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
children playing.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
youngsters become addicted to those electronic devices and refuse to engage in any educational activity at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Secondly
, conventional teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
might not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
needs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them want to focus less. Strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, dry lessons and pressure of achieving excellent results at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
seem to urge children to quit studying.
Furthermore
, if a youngster is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
with attention deficit disorder, traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the situation worse.

The issue that mentioned above needs to
be handled
properly
by several solutions.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
support each other to force children to quit the habit of using high-tech gadgets all the time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
should impose a policy restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from using electronic devices in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, whereas parents can limit youngsters’ hours for watching TV and using a computer at home.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should consider changing the teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
as well
as the examination system.
For example
, eliminating outdated technology and adopt the up-to-date one is one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
helpful options that could encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to conduct research using electronic gadgets.
Finally
, with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with mental disorders, providing special care and applying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
other
particularly
suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
are
certainly
better than forcing every child to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
at the same pace.

In conclusion
, there are two main reasons that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to focus at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and if immediate actions
are taken
by both parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, this issue would
be resolved
properly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Describe a festival in your country; you should say, what it is, when, what is its significance, what do you do during it. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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